


Liability

by carpeyolo



Category: Harry Styles - Fandom, One Direction (Band)
Genre: 2014, F/M, OU, Romance, Touring, Where We Are Tour
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-15 13:52:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 29,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12322314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carpeyolo/pseuds/carpeyolo
Summary: Honestly, timing is everything.





	1. instant regret // may 15, 2014

_may 17, 2014._

I had always been good with dates. Birthdays, anniversaries, and even seemingly non important dates, like the day I took my goddaughter to the cinema for the first time or the first time I got kicked out of a club for being far too intoxicated. I remembered it all because I’ve always been a hopelessly sentimental mess of a person. Material things were never a top priority for me, my apartment being a reflection of this as I barely owned any furniture. I had lived there for over a year and all of the furniture that was in it had been what was left behind by the flat’s previous owners. All I had brought for decoration was box after box of photographs, each one with a date scribbled on the back. Most of them I had begun to tack up onto the walls of my bedroom, but there were still stacks of boxes piled up in my living room waiting to be sorted. I was a memory hoarder, but nothing beat the ability to catch a glimpse of a photo on the wall and instantly remember that specific date and memory.

I also kept a journal where I wrote one line a day about what I had done or accomplished on that particular date.

Last night’s journal entry was supposed to read ‘Broke up with Jackson.’ Instead, scribbled across the page was a note to myself stating that I would regret that one. True to what I had written in the journal late last night, instant regret would probably be the best way to describe how I felt waking up that morning.

My king size bed had never felt so empty as it did that Saturday morning. As my eyes adjusted to the light shining through the window of my flat, the empty space next to me confirmed Jackson was long gone, not that this action surprised me anymore.

We had met and fallen in love at 18. August 14, 2010 to be exact. A sickeningly cliche story of girl meets boy in a coffeeshop, followed by some nonsense whirlwind romance that had resulted in 4 years of a hot and cold relationship. At that age you’re still trying to figure out who you are and what you want to be, far too young to be trying to figure out who someone else is as well. Jackson always seemed so sure of himself, and as tumultuous as our four years together had been, he was the only constant fixture. That same year my mother, God bless her, had finally begun to date for the first time since my father had passed away when I was around 11. She was off travelling the world and being spoiled by her new boyfriend, popping in and out of my early adult life as she pleased. After the routine fight with Jackson, when one of us would storm out of the other’s apartment, I would ring her. But she usually ended up rambling on about her own boyfriend, and I would shy away from admitting that my relationship wasn’t as picturesque as everyone wanted to believe it was.

This morning marked almost a month to the day that I had come to the conclusion that Jackson and I needed to break up.

I always suspected he cheated, but he had begun to get too lazy to even try and hide his infidelity at this point. As of yesterday, we had not kissed each other in over a month, until I rang him to come over so we could talk. I had my speech planned out, he seemed to know what was coming as well.

And then we kissed.

Flash forward to the next morning where I’m waking up naked and alone, again, in this too big bed.

Instant. Regret.

Just thinking of what the girls at the salon were going to say when I saw them next made my stomach turn. All of my coworkers had been advocating for the end of Jacks and Trixie for months. Just yesterday I had promised them I was breaking it off.

I only had one client booked for this afternoon, so I took my time getting out of bed and making my self presentable enough for work. I opted for public transport to the salon that day, the commute feeling like the longest it had ever been. The door to the Bleach London salon hadn’t even fully closed behind me, when my best friend Sam spun around in the chair she was seated at, a disapproving scowl already evident on her face. Alex, my boss and Sam’s co-owner of the salon, was working on applying a colour rinse on a regular client whom I recognized, Sam seated in an empty client chair next to her where she had obviously been chatting with the two before I had arrived.

“You didn’t bloody do it, did ya, Trix?”

I didn’t reply to Sam as I headed to the far corner, dropping my purse down onto the counter where I had my station set up.

“She promised us yesterday she was breaking up with her slime ball of a boyfriend.” Alex informed the girl in the chair who nodded in response.

“And you didn’t do it!” Sam yelled, looking at me expectantly for some sort of explanation.

I sat down in the empty chair in front of my station, finally turning it to look over at the three girls who were all staring at me. “I had full intentions to, I promise.”

“Beatrix!” Sam cried out, exasperated.

“What could he have possibly said this time?” Alex questioned.

“We didn’t really do much talking, honestly.”

“You slept with him?!” Sam dramatically dropped her face into her hands as she cried out. “You are ridiculous, Trix.”

“I’m an idiot, I know.” I agreed, slipping my phone out of the back pocket of my jeans.

“And let me guess,” Alex started, placing the bowl of pastel hair dye onto the counter in front of her as she finished applying the colour to the girl’s hair. “He was gone this morning and you haven’t heard even the slightest peep from him.”

I ignored her, focusing my attention on the screen of my phone as I scrolled through my inbox to check and make sure Jackson hadn’t texted me and it had just gone unnoticed.

“She always goes silent when you’re right.” Sam pointed out to Alex and the girl, rising from the chair she had been seated in, and heading towards the back break room.

“We all make mistakes!” I called to her before she disappeared into the room, giving a wave over her shoulder to dismiss me.

It was no secret that all of the girls at Bleach weren’t a fan of Jackson. Honestly, I wasn’t even a fan either anymore. But I guess I had grown comfortable with the idea of being in a relationship, even one as shallow as the one Jackson and I had. We were terrible for each other, opposites that clashed in nearly every aspect of our lives. When we had met I was a shy teenager who was struggling to find my place in the world. Jackson had been the one to encourage me and insist that it would be okay for me to drop out and call it quits on my brief stint of studying psychology at university. I was only in school because I thought that was what was expected of me, and I’d never amount to anything unless I went to uni like everyone else. Thinking back on it, that may have been the only positive thing Jackson had ever done for me, acting as my support system as I left uni and spent a few months working odd jobs and struggling to come to terms with where I wanted my life to go. And then I entered a cosmetology school and finally found my place in life. I also met Sam, who instantly became my best friend and the older sister I never got a chance to have. There was nearly a 9 year age gap between Sam and I, but you’d never know it by the way our friendship took off. Sam was a wild spirit, who coaxed me out of my reserved shell, and recruited me to come work at Bleach after I graduated. Her and Alex had just opened the salon less than a year earlier, and while Sam was the one who took care of the business aspect of it all, Alex was the head hair stylist and brought me in to help out when their client list began to grow too big for just her to handle. There was now a fairly large group of stylists all working at the salon, and with a new and healthy support system around me, I didn’t really need Jackson anymore.

Alex set a timer for how long the colour needed to process on the girl’s hair before sitting down in the empty chair that Sam had previously been sitting in. Feeling her eyes on me, I locked my phone and dropped it into the front pocket of the loose flannel shirt I was wearing.

“Alright, spit it out.” I could tell just by looking at her she was dying to provide her own two cents on my lack of a break up.

“Nothing!” She threw her hands up in surrender, signalling that she had nothing to offer.

“Honestly? You’ve got nothing to say about the whole thing?”

“Oh, I’ve got plenty to say, love.” Alex laughed, shaking her head. “But what good’s it going to do? Can’t really go back in time and unsleep with him.”

I rolled my eyes, which did not go unnoticed by Alex as she sighed audibly.

“It’s just you come in here every day and you just look so drained!” Alex began to reason. “You’re constantly telling us about how the two of you are at each other’s throats. Proper shouting matches and everything. And don’t even get me started on his cheating.” The last part of her commentary was directed towards the client who was behind her. Apparently a dye job at Bleach now came with a complimentary gossip session about my questionable life decisions. I tuned Alex out as she began to launch into a story I had previously told about Jackson getting drunk and trashing my apartment a few weeks ago, apparently filling in this client on our back story.

“Sounds to me like you should tell this guy to piss off.” The girl finally added in as Alex finished.

I mentally weighed my options of what would be more painful, remaining here and listening to Alex and this girl who’s name I didn’t even know provide commentary on my relationship, or escape to the backroom and have Sam corner me and do the same thing. I pushed myself up from the chair, deciding Sam might be the better of my two options.

“Yeah, thanks for the tip.” I called over my shoulder as the two girls chatted animatedly about potential clubs they were probably going to drag me out to in order to find some guy to replace Jackson.

_*******_

My only client for that day happened to be Sam’s twin sister Lou who had popped by the salon just to say hi to everyone. A hair stylist herself, it was rare of her to come in as a client, but I knew her boyfriend Tom was watching their young daughter that day so she was more here for the relaxing experience of not having to be on mum duty for a few hours rather than out of necessity for a dye job. I was mixing up a bleach paste to touch up Lou’s dark roots that had begun to grow in, when Sam let it slip that I had failed to break up with Jackson the night before. Lou made no effort to hide her disappointment as she shook her head at her twin sister.

“What happened this time?”

“She slept with him instead of breaking’ up with him.” Sam answered for me from where she stood behind me, watching me begin to apply the bleach to Lou’s hair through the mirror that sat above the counter in front of us.

“Trixie!” Lou scolded, and I instantly felt like I was being ganged up on by a group of disapproving mothers with the way these two were speaking down to me.

The rest of the salon was empty, as Alex, Sam and myself were the only three scheduled to come in that day, and Alex had just popped out for a lunch break.

“Sorry, mum.” I replied bitterly, and Lou rolled her eyes in response to my sarcasm.

Crossing her arms across her chest, Lou looked me in the eye through the mirrored reflection. “Gemma and I were talking last night about you. She bet that you’d chicken out and not do it. Glad the two of us didn’t place money on it, cause I had faith in you.”

“Piss off.”

“We meant it in a loving way, of course!” Lou reasoned, offering me a small smile. “I’m sure Gem will be disappointed to hear that she was right if that’s any consolation to you.” Gemma was a good friend of Lou’s and had become a fairly regular client of ours here at Bleach. Lou’s full time gig was travelling with Gemma’s younger brother’s band, styling the boys of One Direction’s quiffs before they hit the stage every night on their international arena tours. Not a bad gig, but I knew the constant travel was tiring and Lou never got to be home as much as she would have liked, an especially difficult matter as she had a young daughter who was going to be starting preschool soon and would’t be able to freely travel on world tours with her anymore.

Sam moved to take a seat in the chair next to Lou, propping her feet up on the edge of the counter in front of her as she watched Lou take out her phone.

“Gotta fill Gem in on all of this.” Lou gestured towards her phone as she began to type away. Sam tried to stifle her laugh as she noticed my unimpressed reaction.

“What about Gemma’s little brother? Isn’t Harry single? And he’s about your age, Trix.” Sam hinted, and I could see Lou’s eyes light up at the idea.

“No.” I firmly shot the two of them down before they had a chance to get too carried away with the idea of setting me up with someone else already. “Not a chance.”

Sam crossed her arms over her chest in protest, but bit her tongue when I shot her a glare warning her against saying anything else. “Fine.”

“We’re done talking about this, okay? I’ll break up with Jacks when I’m good and ready to. On my own terms.”

Lou began to snicker to herself as she looked down at her phone. “Gemma says next time just try sending him a break up text. That way you can’t end up accidentally sleeping with him again.”

“You two are ridiculous.”


	2. a breath of fresh air // june 14, 2014

_june 14, 2014._

Six days out from my 22nd birthday, I found myself in a rather crowded restaurant in the heart of London with Sam, Lou and Gemma. Watching the three of them chat with each other rather animatedly over their food, I focused the majority of my attention on my own plate. Removed from the conversation, I swirled my fork around the plate, attempting to make it appear as though I had eaten much more than I actually had. Full after one bite, and feeling rather nauseous after the second one I forced myself to take when Sam was watching me, I didn’t want to draw any attention to my complete lack of an appetite.

Don’t get me wrong, I had been excited about joining the trio for dinner tonight when Gemma had suggested it earlier in the day when she had popped into the salon for a quick wash and blow dry. But now that I was seated at the table, listening to Sam ramble on about the latest paintings her boyfriend had just finished, I no longer felt as though I was included in the group.

Happily committed in relationships, the topics of conversation they all chose to bring up for this dinner seemed to only centre around their boyfriends or Lou’s young daughter. Maybe that was just what happened when you were in love, you forget how to focus on or talk about literally anything else in the world. Had I been that bad when Jackson and I were together?  _Probably_.

But now for the first time in four years I was single.

Actually single this time, not like Jackson and I’s previous break ups.

I didn’t know how to explain it, but this time the break up felt genuinely different. It was final. Maybe it was because he hadn’t put up a fight like he usually did. I told everyone it was a mutual break up, a concept I didn’t fully believe in. Nothing was ever mutual. I had suggested a break, and he had told me he had wanted to break up for a long time, but hadn’t found a way to bring it up to me. I had been confident in believing that I didn’t want to be with him anymore, but the sudden introduction to the fact that he genuinely didn’t care and didn’t want to be with me anymore felt similar to the way I figured it would have felt if I had just stepped out in front of a bus and let it run me over instead.

Needless to say, I had been rather down in the dumps for the last few weeks since I had finally called everything off with Jacks.

I had only waited about a week after that night he had sweet talked me out of my clothes and then left before I awoke to work up the courage to leave him. It was the final nail in the coffin on our four years together.

I couldn’t quite place my finger on why exactly I was feeling so out of it tonight, but I figured the topic of conversation had a lot to do with it. I wasn’t upset about leaving Jackson, it was just listening to this talk about love, relationships, and families had me moping over the fact that there wasn’t someone out there pining or obsessing over me. I wasn’t missing Jackson, I was just missing the feeling of being desired.

I used my fork to swirl around the over-priced gluten-free spaghetti I had been craving so badly when the waiter had shown us to our table, keeping my eyes on the sauce covered pasta as the girls chatted animatedly around me. I knew that I shouldn’t be sad, and that I was supposed to see this as a blank slate for me to make my own. The first page in the next chapter of my life.

“So Trix,” Lou’s voice brought me back down to reality, finally lifting my eyes from the nearly full plate sat in front of me. I was half expecting her to lecture me for not touching my food, her inner motherly instinct tended to shine through sometimes. “Got any plans for the big birthday next week?”

All eyes were on me as I gave a weak shrug. “Dinner and drinks?” I offered weakly.

“You don’t even drink.” Gemma eyed me skeptically, pushing forward her empty plate to lean her elbows on the table top.

“That doesn’t mean you lot can’t have some drinks and a good time.”

Sam shook her head, leaning back in her chair. “That’s stupid. It’s  _your_  birthday, Trix.”

I waved my hand in an attempt to dismiss her. “No need to make a fuss about it.”

“No! Trix it’s your  _birthday_!” Lou cut in. “Of course we’re going to make a fuss over it.”

I was never really a huge fan of celebrating my birthday. Other people’s birthdays were fine and I would go above and beyond if they wanted me to, but I didn’t really feel that much attachment to my own. I was more concerned with holidays, not partying and celebrating just existing for another year. These three knew I wasn’t a fan of my birthday, and their insistence over doing something to celebrate was definitely just a cover for something else. They all knew Jackson and I were over, and they had to be completely daft not to notice I hadn’t been over the moon about my new relationship status. They were going to plan some obnoxious and over the top birthday celebration in an attempt to get me feeling like my usual self. I hated the idea before any of them even suggested it, but I knew it was coming.

“I’ve got an idea!” Lou cheered, albeit a little too enthusiastically as a few heads at the nearby tables turned to stare at us. “I’ve got to work next week in Paris with the boys, why don’t we all just go and make a weekend of it?”

I shook my head in disagreement, but my gesture went unnoticed.

“Yes!” Gemma exclaimed as she clapped her hands together in excitement. “Harry’s been nagging me to come out to a show and see him so this is perfect. We can all go!”

I looked to Sam for support as I tried to protest, but she was nodding her head in agreement. It looked like I was outnumbered. I shook my head again, hoping someone would acknowledge me, but they were all to focused on making plans.

“Oh, it would be the  _perfect_  excuse for a girls’ weekend!” Gemma was fishing her phone out of her purse as she spoke. “I’ll text Harry now and let him know we’re all coming so he can lave some tickets aside for us.”

“So Trix? What do you think?” I felt three sets of eyes staring at me expectantly and I suddenly wanted to be sick.

I wanted so desperately to say no, to shut down their plans and celebrate my birthday by eating leftover Chinese takeaway in my apartment while watching Netflix. But I couldn’t bring myself to vocalize my protests with all of them staring at me, so instead of speaking my mind and standing up for myself I contorted my face into a smile and nodded my head.

As Lou, Sam, and Gemma resumed chatting about the finer details about planning our trip, I let myself sink a little further into my chair. They were all pulling out their phones and frantically typing away as they spoke, no doubt rushing to book train tickets and accommodations for this incredibly last minute vacation. I kept my mouth shut, nodding occasionally whenever I heard one of them call my name to ask for my approval over something.

Despite knowing both Lou and Gemma for nearly two years now, I had never met Gemma’s brother or been to any of his band’s concerts. They had raved about how they put on a great show and insisted if I was ever free I needed to come out and see them perform, but never gotten around to it. Apparently now I was going to be thrust directly into One Direction’s world and spend my birthday with all of these people I didn’t really know. Should be an interesting series of events.

*******

“You’re okay, though, right Trix?” Sam placed a hand on my shoulder hesitantly as we left the Underground station. We were on my way back to my flat following our dinner and it had been relatively quiet between us after we said goodbye to Lou and Gemma.

I nodded my head, but I heard her let out a sigh in response, signalling her dissatisfaction with my reply. She knew I had only agreed to these birthday plans because I felt cornered. Sam was my best friend, the only person in the world I couldn’t lie to because she had gotten so good at seeing though my fibs.

We fell silent again, the only sound around us was the noise of the heels of the chelsea boots we both wore clicking against the sidewalk as we made our way down the relatively quiet East London street I called home.

Sam and I had barely talked about how I had been feeling after my break up with Jackson, mainly because I shot down the topic every time I had brought it up, but tonight she insisted we had a girls sleepover. I needed to return home to get a change of clothes and some toiletries before we were going to catch the tube over to Sam’s flat for the night. I was silently grateful for the offer to spend the night with her, as the large flat Jackson and I usually shared together was feeling far too large and far too empty these last few weeks. She proposed the sleepover after dinner under the pretence that we hadn’t had a night in to catch up in ages, but I knew she was just doing it to get me out of my flat. I was hating being alone in it, but I was too nervous to step up and say something about it.

I hated making myself seem needy or vulnerable. And I hated drawing attention to myself.

Hence my inability to turn the girls down when they brought up the Parisian birthday party.

Unlocking the front door to my flat, I heaved open the heavy wooden door and let my purse fall onto the ground in the main foyer. I probably should make a mental note to get a table of some sort in the near future. It was time to start being an adult and get some furniture for this home. Sam made her way inside, flicking the light on to bring life to the pitch black apartment. She immediately froze as the living room came into view, turning around to me with a horrified expression on her face.

I let out a defeated sigh as I let my eyes scan over the view Sam had just been greeted with. Fragments of broken dishes were scattered across the hardwood flooring, and what little furniture had been in the room was now disheveled, the small coffee table completely flipped upside down. There was a large dent in the plaster on the wall, signifying where the coffee table had made contact when it had been tossed.

“Beatrix, have you been robbed?” Sam screeched, obviously desperate to understand my lack of response to the trashed room.

I shook my head, bending down to pick up the broken pieces of china. The flat had been spotless when I had left for dinner, but it wasn’t the first time I had come home to a complete mess. “It’s just Jacks.” I answered her calmly, creating a small pile of the broken dishes in the palm of my hand.

Sam made no motion to help me clean up, instead placing her hands on her hips as she stared down at me, clearly bewildered by my lack of emotion. “Jackson did this?” She repeated slowly, trying to understand my words.

“Yeah, it’s alright.” I shrugged off the question, standing up to dispose of the broken dishes. Making my way into the kitchen, I tossed the pieces I had collected into the bin.

He hadn’t done this in awhile. Sometimes Jackson would get a little too drunk and show up angry at my flat. It was nothing new, and he had never harmed me in any way, so I never bothered to make a fuss over it. He had yet to do this since our break up, so maybe he wasn’t actually over it. He was obviously upset with me over something. Maybe he had come over to apologize and tell me he still loved me, and just got a little upset when he noticed I wasn’t home.

Four years with Jackson had made me a professional when it came to making excuses for his behaviour.

When he was a good boyfriend, he was so good. But when it was bad, it was absolutely awful.

“Does this happen a lot?” Sam asked when I returned from the kitchen.

She helped me flip the coffee table back over as I thought over my words carefully. I had mentioned once or twice at work that Jackson tended to get a little angry when he drank so I knew I couldn’t outright lie to her. Also, if this was the first time it had ever happened I would have reacted differently. She already knew the answer, Sam was just waiting to see if I was going to lie to her or not about it.

“Not as often as it used to.” My answer was vague, but I knew I couldn’t lie. “I just haven’t quite gotten around to changing the locks.”

“This isn’t safe, Trixie.” Sam bent down to pick up what was left of a lamp that had once been sat on top of the coffee table.

“It’s fine.” I spoke, ignoring Sam’s concern. “He’s not dangerous, he’s just a little upset. He’ll come around eventually.”

Jackson had never hit me or even threatened me in any way. I wouldn’t tolerate anything like that, so I wasn’t too concerned about him. Although I had been particularly fond of this coffee table my mum had bought me, but it now had a few large chips in it. It was now a bit of an eye sore, and I would probably have to replace it. It was inconvenient, but it wasn’t dangerous to me.

“He’s fucking  _crazy_ , Beatrix!” She was using my full name, signalling that she was serious now. In full protective older sister mode, she folded her arms firmly across her chest. “I can’t let you sit around and wait for him to come around. What if he bloody kills you first?”

“Don’t talk about Jacks like that!” I snapped. It was a reflex, the word’s coming out of me as if I was on autopilot.

“Don’t make excuses for his behaviour!” Sam disappeared down the hallway towards the bedroom and I reluctantly followed her a few moments later to find her pulling a suitcase out from my closet. “You’re coming to stay with me until you get these locks changed.”

“Sam-“

“No.” She cut me off, glaring at me pointedly as she tossed a fews shirts into the suitcase. “We don’t have to tell anyone, but you’re  _not_  staying here.”

I opened my mouth to protest against her as I watched her dump a few pairs of jeans into the suitcase, but I couldn’t come up with a reasonable excuse. Instead, I snatched up my journal from off of my bed where I had left it the night before. I would need to bring it with me, and I’d probably need more than my usual one line to document the series of events that had occurred today.

Maybe I was in need to a little break from this apartment. Staying at Sam’s flat for the time being would be a nice change of scenery. This house was filled with my relationship with Jackson. The walls had housed memories of every fight, every milestone, and every profession of undying love the two of us had shared over our four years together. He had become just as much a part of this house as I had. And although I felt no attachment to Jackson as a person at the moment, I couldn’t quite shake the feeling of loss in the pit of my stomach when I was completely surrounded by memories of better times. I reluctantly placed the journal into the bag as well, signalling to her that I was accepting her offer to stay at her flat. It would just be a few days of fresh air to help me get out of this newly single funk.


	3. a heart of gold and boots to match // june 20, 2014

june 20, 2014.

I was a lot calmer about turning 22 than I thought I would be.

My last few months of being 21 were absolute shit, so I figured this new calendar year couldn’t be much worse in comparison to what my life had recently become. So when I awoke on Sam’s couch that I had taken up residence on for nearly the last week, I wasn’t anxious or disappointed about being a year older.

How goddamn mature of me.

It was Sam shuffling into the living room, a large suitcase scraping against the hardwood floor of her flat in tow behind her, that actually woke me up that morning. It was far from quiet as she dropped a rather large collection of bags in the living room near the door, offering my half-asleep mind a reminder that today was the day we were supposed to be going on our quick getaway to France. In a few hours we’d be boarding a train to Paris, surely meeting up with a large group of people that I had met briefly once or twice before, and getting forced into some crowded club to celebrate a milestone I didn’t even care about.

I meant to groan inwardly, but evidently my distaste for the events that were going to begin to unfold momentarily was too much for me to contain and my sigh of displeasure caught Sam’s attention.

“Soz, didn’t mean to wake the birthday girl!” She offered with a wicked grin. “Best be gettin’ up, we’ve got a train to go and catch!”

Considering Sam was technically my boss as she owned half of Bleach London, it was easy to get a couple days booked off to go away on my birthday vacation. It also meant I couldn’t come up with an excuse to excuse myself from the trip, and there was no way for me to get out of it now. Lou was already in Paris, having been on tour with the One Direction boys for the last few days throughout Europe. Gemma, Sam, and myself had scoured the Internet for some last minute EuroStar express train tickets to get us to France for the night. Gemma’s brother, one fifth of the brooding pop stars that made up One Direction, had left us all tickets to the night’s show in Paris. He had also mentioned booking out entire VIP sections of multiple clubs near the venue for us to choose from to go out and celebrate my birthday after the show.

It was all going to be political. Birthday’s always were. Just an excuse to get together and show off who has more friends, and who’s friends were more important. I was in for an evening of a juvenile popularity contest disguised as a birthday party. This was why I didn’t like birthdays. Why would I want to go to a club, I didn’t even drink?

Sam tossed a set of fresh clothes at me, the clothes she had insisted I lay out the night before so we would be able to get up and ready quicker in the morning, signalling it was time for me to get up and off the couch. I thanked her, before grabbing the clothes and shuffling down the small hallway into the bathroom in order to make myself look presentable.

It would only take us about 20 minutes to get from Sam’s East London flat in Dalston to King’s Cross Station to catch our train, but we knew Gemma was probably already there and waiting for us. She was incredibly punctual, even annoyingly so, and a quick glance at the timestamp on my phone informed me we had about 10 minutes before Gemma was going to start ringing in a desperate attempt to find out where we were.

A few unread texts waited for me in the inbox of my phone, but as my eyes scanned over the names of the senders I decided none of them were important enough to respond to immediately. I set my phone down on the bathroom counter so my hands were free to wash my face and change into the clothes I had brought in with me. A pair of black leggings, a plain white t-shirt and black booties from TopShop completed my travel outfit for the day. I opted against makeup as I was about to sit on a train for over two hours, sure to feel gross from the travelling I knew I would just shower as soon as we got to our hotel in Paris and I didn’t want to bother doing my makeup twice in one day. Returning to the living room, I found a pair of aviator sunglasses in my purse, popping them onto my face to hide the lack of makeup and sleep.

I had spent most of the previous night tossing and turning on Sam’s couch rather than actually sleeping. I shrugged it off as just being nerves over travelling, as I was really never one to do this sort of thing. I could count on one hand how many times I had been outside of the UK. The furthest from home I’d ever been was a trip to Spain I had taken with my mother when I has just entering year nine in school, and I briefly remember having a panic attack on the flight down there. I was about to be incredibly out of my element on this trip, knowing full well that Lou, Gemma, and Sam were all well seasoned travel veterans.

“I’m ready, Sam!” I called out to her as I unlocked my phone once more. My eyes lingered over each unread text message, silently hoping Jackson’s name would appear amongst them. But my search came up empty as my phone was free of any messages from him. I wasn’t even entirely sure why I was looking, and I also wasn’t sure if I was disappointed or relieved at the lack of contact from him.

“Right, right.” Sam called back out to me, appearing in the living room moments later. We were only going to be gone for less than 48 hours, but between the two of us we had enough luggage for an entire family of four to go on vacation for weeks. Maybe that’s why Sam and I got on so well, we were both over the top mad. “Should we call a cab or try and drag all of this crap on the tube with us?”

I took one look at the mountain of luggage that was piled before us and instantly let out a rather loud laugh. “I’ll call the cab now.” I managed to get out between my giggles. I exited out of the messages app on my phone, ending my search for a sign that Jackson wanted to reach out and talk to me, and dialled the number for a taxi to come pick us up instead.

*******

I had listened to Gemma’s brother’s band once or twice, but would hardly consider myself a fan. However, after watching the five lads run around the stage, working the crowd like perfect entertainers, I was having a bit of a change of heart about my whole feelings towards my birthday weekend. The tickets Harry had left all of us offered the perfect view of the stage, but were secluded enough from fans that we didn’t have to worry about anyone recognizing us and asking for autographs or photos.

Not that that was an issue for me, but more for Gemma and Lou’s sake. Sam and I were free to let loose and genuinely enjoy the show the boys put on for us all.

We had completely dressed to the nine’s, as you’re supposed to do for a girl’s night out. Once we had finally arrived in Paris, Lou had met us at the hotel and the four of us had spent far too long getting ready. The hotel had looked like a war zone when we were finished, the bathroom counter covered in every hair and makeup product you could imagine, and entire suitcases worth of clothes were dumped out onto the beds as we all swapped clothes to compose the perfect outfits. We were probably a bit too over the top for a concert, particularly a One Direction concert, but we blended in seamlessly with the stricter dress code of the nightclub Harry had gotten us into after the show. An entire upper balcony of the rather large club had been reserved under his name, free bottles of alcohol left for us on nearly every table or flat surface.

The band stayed behind at the venue for a bit to get themselves cleaned up before they were supposed to meet us there, so when Gemma, Lou, Sam, and myself arrived the VIP level was nearly empty with the rare exception of a few members of the One Direction road crew and security team. I didn’t know how many more people were going to show up tonight, but I hoped it would stay relatively sparse so we would have room to move around and dance freely.

“Happy birthday, Trix!” Gemma cheered for what must have been the hundredth time that evening as we entered our private area. We had an unobstructed view of the crowded dance floor downstairs, taking a second to peek over the railing of the balcony to observe the crowd below us.

I didn’t do crowds and I didn’t do alcohol. As long as we stayed up here away from the chaos I knew I’d be alright. If Harry did show up I’d have to thank him profusely for this. It was probably no problem at all for him to pull a few strings to arrange events like this given his celebrity status, but it was still a huge deal to me. Despite knowing Gemma for quite some time, I couldn’t remember a time when I had met her brother in person. He had a crazy schedule, constantly travelling around the world, so even though I had heard countless stories about him I had never been in the same room as him. He had done all of this and arranged a birthday party for a perfect stranger. Given how compassionate and polite Gemma was, I had to assume it was just the way that the two had been raised.

A multimillionaire pop star at 20 years old, he was still well mannered and grounded. I was sure Gemma would be the first one to give him a swift slap to the side of the head if he ever got too ahead of himself.

As the three girls poured themselves glasses of what I could only assume was bloody expensive champagne, Gemma handed me a champagne flute filled with tonic water. They were all well aware I avoided alcohol, and I was grateful they were never annoyed by this fact. I never preached to any of them about it, I knew it would be hypocritical if you took into consideration how much I had drank in college. I was no stranger to parties or tequila, until one day I just decided I had more fun without it. With the exception of the very rare glass of wine at a formal dinner, I opted for water or fizzy drinks over liquor. It seemed to everyone else as though I had just grown up and started focusing on my health and bettering myself, but if I was honest a lot of it had to do with the nasty comments Jackson would make to and about me whenever one of us had been drinking.

I felt my shoulders tense as I tried not to let my mind wander to those memories, determined to make the most of this night that I knew I would never experience again. Every relationship had its negative aspects, and that one was over so I needed to focus on something else.

I was completely out of my element as Lou was the first one to raise her glass in preparation for a toast. Her expensive wardrobe, no doubt a result of the substantial pay cheque One Direction provided her with, helped her blend in seamlessly with the atmosphere of the pretentious club. While my job at Bleach allowed me to afford rent at a rather large flat in a popular area of East London that didn’t come cheap, I was still rather thrifty when it came to clothing, always conscious of the price tag. I couldn’t afford to even set foot into the designer stores that had provided Lou’s entire outfit for the night.

But I was supposed to be enjoying my birthday, not overanalyzing my financial situation.

Lou had let me borrow a pair of her shoes for the evening, insisting they were the perfect match for my outfit. Black skinny jeans, a cropped grey tank top, and now a pair of black Jeffrey Campbell platform boots that no doubt cost at least the same as a months rent at my flat. I was doing a decent job of looking like I could afford to actually be at this club, but at the same time I was also conscious not to spill anything and avoid any puddles of sticky alcohol on the floor because there was no way I could afford to replace these boots.

“A toast to Trix!” Lou spoke up, practically shouting to be heard over the loud music. “Happy 22nd birthday, love!”

Gemma and Sam raised their glasses as well, all shouting cheers of congratulations similar to Lou’s. Before I could get out a thank you, a mess of brown curls was jogging towards us and hollering for us to wait. Even though I had never met him before, I instantly recognized him as Harry, his facial features remarkably similar to Gemma’s. There were definitely some strong genes in the Styles family.

“You’re toasting without me?!” He demanded, breath a little heavy as he had obviously ran to our private secluded section as quickly as possible. I silently wondered if it had been out of excitement to see us all, or just a privacy tactic to get away from paparazzi and prying eyes outside faster.

“You guys all took too long. We weren’t going to wait around forever for you lot to finally show up so we could start drinking.” Gemma spoke up in our defence, rolling her eyes at her younger brother. The remainder of the One Direction crew, as well as Harry’s other bandmates, began to file in now and our once nearly empty section was beginning to form a crowd.

“You wouldn’t even be here without me, the least you could have done was wait for me to toast the night!” Harry whined, earning another eye roll, but this time from Lou.

“Sorry, Haz.” She snickered, raising her glass once more to clink it against all of ours. She smirked at the scowl that formed on the boy’s face as he watched her gulp down the bubbly champagne.

As the three girls all refilled their glasses, Harry turned his focus to me. The scowl that had just been on his face had been replaced with a wide grin as he looked down at me. I was pretty short on my own, but these shoes Lou had lent me offered a few extra inches of height. I was in no way model height, but I was nearly tall enough to be eye level with Harry.

“Trixie, right?” He asked, extending his hand out for me to shake.

I nodded my head in agreement, taking his extended hand. It seemed like a rather formal gesture and I couldn’t help but feel a little bit uncomfortable as I watched over his shoulder to notice the three girls all separating. Gemma had begun a conversation with one of the rather large security guards One Direction had brought in with them, and Lou and Sam had begun making their way to the railing, probably brainstorming a plan of attack to take the dance floor below.

“I thought so. Heard a ton about you from Gem, but never been given a face to go with the name.”

“Oh, yeah.” I replied lamely, unsure of what else to say to him. “Thanks for all this.” I motioned with my hand that wasn’t holding my empty glass to the club around us. He had, after all, been the one who had put this all together for me.

“No problem! Happy birthday by the way.” He wasn’t looking at me anymore, as he searched around the room until his eyes fell on a tray full of vodka bottles and a variety of drink chasers right next to us. “Are you having a good time?”

“Yeah, it’s an experience alright.” I watched as Lou and Sam made their way down the stairs an anxious ball of nerves beginning to form in the pit of my stomach. I didn’t want to just abruptly walk away from Harry, but I didn’t want to get left behind or lose the few people in this club that I was comfortable around. I kept my eyes on Gemma for a few seconds, silently praying she would stay up here until Harry was done and then we could head downstairs together to find Lou and Sam. There was safety and comfort in numbers.

“A good experience, I hope.” Harry chuckled in response, grabbing a glass from the table.

I was amazed, watching him pour more than a shots worth of vodka into the clear glass. I didn’t think a celebrity, especially one of Harry’s caliber, would have to mix their own drinks. At the same time, he did look like the kind of person who would resent his title of celebrity. He was dressed rather casually, so maybe he preferred to make his own drinks rather than have them handed to him (literally on a silver platter) because he still wanted to pretend he was like everyone else. He snatched up a can of RedBull to top off the rest of the glass before raising it to me in a toast. His look of excitement faltered for a second when he noticed my own glass was empty.

“Where’s your drink?”

“Oh, I don’t-“ I started, desperately searching for the least lame way to explain I wasn’t one to drink. He had arranged this entire night just for me, the last thing I wanted to do was appear ungrateful.

He was holding his own drink out to me in an instant, “Here, take this one. I’ll make another.”

I shook my head quickly. “No, but thank you. Not right now.”

He just nodded his head after a few seconds, deciding not to insist any further. His bubbly personality was back in an instant as he smiled at me before taking a rather large gulp of his mixed drink. I didn’t know how he could have so much energy still after watching him run and prance around that stage earlier that night, but something told me the RedBull in his glass probably had a lot to do with it. Lou and Gemma had both described how crazy his tour and promotions schedule was for the band, so I was sure his bloodstream was mostly concentrated energy drinks at this point. “Shall we all go dance then?” He asked, gesturing to the stairway down to the main dance floor Sam and Lou had disappeared down moments before.

When I nodded my head in agreement, he quickly downed the rest of his glass, carelessly placing it onto another empty tabletop and gestured for me to follow him. He expertly navigated his way around the leather couches and glass tables until we reached the stairs, allowing me to go down before him. I was nervous for a second about fans swarming when we stepped out onto the dance floor, but I quickly realized that everyone around us was far too drunk and focused on the music to even pay attention to the fact that Harry Styles was right next to them. His all black outfit, a pair of impossibly tight jeans and a loose t-shirt, helped him inconspicuously disappear into the crowd. He was just being a normal person for the night.

We found Lou and Sam with ease on one edge of the dance floor, the two of them appearing absolutely thrilled that I had decided to join them despite the crowd. I was still a little nervous as a result of the sheer volume of people that had been packed into this highbrow establishment, but I just really wanted to dance. Sam, Lou, and even Harry, were with me at the moment and there was safety in numbers.

*******

It had all started off great. I don’t remember a time I had laughed as hard as when a remix of a song I recognized as one by One Direction came on over the club’s speakers and Harry obnoxiously screamed along the lyrics as loud as he could. Girls around us paid absolutely no attention as they sang along as well, oblivious to the fact the very artist that had penned this song was dancing right next to them.

But it didn’t last.

Gemma eventually joined us on the dance floor with a few more members of the crew, Harry disappearing not long after. I was introduced to so many different members of their crew and touring staff I could barely keep up. The only name really sticking with me was that of a rather large security guard named Preston who kept getting me refills of tonic water every time the rest of the girls got themselves another drink.

I had worked up quite a sweat throughout the night of dancing, and despite having an amazing time I knew I needed a little bit of space for a second. There were more people here now and I was starting to get anxious. Drunk people didn’t respect personal space and I was tired of having strangers pressed up against me as we all fought for space on the crowded floor. I whispered to Gemma that I was going to go back upstairs for some water for a moment and not to worry before pushing my way out of the crowd. I didn’t think it to be possible for the crowd to have gotten even bigger, but as I reached the top of the stairs it was clear the main floor of the club had swelled in population.

A few familiar faces were scattered throughout the private level, but it was empty enough that I could take a seat on an empty couch and focus on my breathing for a second. As soon as I was off my feet they began to ache, signalling to me just how long we had been downstairs dancing. I had no sense of what time it was, but it had to be fairly late into the night, or early in the morning rather. I was sure that the night would be winding down soon and Gemma, Sam, and Lou would all be ready for us to head back to the hotel. I just had to get though the next little while and I would be out of here and it would all be fine.

I had been doing so well all night, but I had just reached my limit, and being up in the VIP section where I was offered a teaser of the quiet and free space I would be greeted with once I left was doing little to calm me down. It was just making me anxious, reminding me I was trapped in here until everyone else decided they wanted to leave. My location was out of my control and I didn’t like not having control.

I’m sure I could have told the girls I wanted to leave and they would all be understanding about it, it was my birthday after all. But I didn’t want to be a bother when they were having so much fun. I had been having fun too, I had just reached my limit. I was now torn between wanting someone to ask if I was okay and not wanting to be a burden.

My head kept low, my eyes focused firmly on the floor below these expensive shoes, I took in another deep breath to try and calm my growing nerves. My stomach hurt, my abdominal muscles cramping with anxiety. The urge to puke hit me rather suddenly, feeling the back of my throat begin to salivate involuntarily. I’m sure my eyes were watering too, no doubt smudging the rather heavy mascara and eyeliner I had put on earlier this evening.

I felt the couch shift under someone’s weight next to me, and a glass of clear liquid came into my line of vision as it was held out over my lap for me to take.

“I don’t drink.” My voice was quiet, and I wasn’t sure if the person sitting next to me had even heard over the loud music and commotion unfolding around us as they made no motion to move the drink away.

“It’s just water.” It was Harry’s voice, so I muttered a weak thank you as I took the glass. He went on to say something about Preston and my orders for water all night, but I wasn’t listening. I was too focused on my breathing as I took a sip from the glass. “You alright?” His voice was gentle when he spoke, an equally as gentle hand reaching out to rest on my back.

I nodded, unsure if I could really form any coherent sentences. I wasn’t alright, I was on the verge of a panic attack, but he didn’t need to know that. I was no stranger to them so I’m sure I could handle myself, but this was hardly the ideal environment. Not that there ever was an ideal place for a panic attack.

The water helped take away the feeling of needing to vomit, but I knew the only way I was going to avoid a full blown attack was if I got out of here soon.

“You don’t look alright.”

I was unsure if his words were spoken low and drawn out because he was choosing his words carefully or if this was just the way he always spoke. I was also unsure of where the energy came from as I finally found my voice. “I think I need to go home.”

I looked up for the first time, seeing him nod his head as he began to rub my back soothingly. With his other hand, he fetched an iPhone out of one of the pockets of his black skinny jeans. “I can have a car out back in two minutes.” He spoke as he typed away furiously on the phone.

“I need to go find Sam-“

He slipped the phone back into his pocket, adjusting his position on the couch to face me. “No, I can take you. I’m not sure where they’ve wandered off to, so I’ll have Preston round them up and they’ll meet us there.” He was still rubbing my back comfortingly as he spoke, his head ducked down so I could actually hear his voice. “Let’s get you out of here, yeah?”

Despite phrasing it as one, I knew it wasn’t a question. I just nodded my head, gulping down the rest of the water. Harry led us down a separate set of stairs from the ones that led into the heart of the club, instead bringing us to a series of dimly lit hallways. He kept his hand on my back the entire time, herding me towards a back door where even more large security guards were there waiting for us. He nodded at one of them as he opened the door and led us to a blacked out SUV that was waiting. It was all so quick as we were shoved inside and the car was instantly racing off from the club, flashes lighting up the sky outside the tinted windows signalling that there had been paparazzi waiting outside that were probably now following us. Desperate to get a shot of Harry, preferably of him drunk and stumbling out of a club or cab, it was a small reminder that as normal and calm the boy sitting next to me seemed, he was far from that. He seemed nice enough, but his entire life was a media spectacle.

In that moment I missed my bed. I was craving the security that crawling under my duvet offered me. My own bed, though, not the sofa Sam had been forcing me to sleep on for the last week.

The driver of the car, another heavy set security guard, spoke up to inform Harry they had to take a detour on the way back to the hotel in an effort to loose the trail of photographers that were following us. As grateful as I was for this, I just wanted to get out. I didn’t belong here.

I kept my eyes on the floor of the car, my skin crawling with nerves. I was out of place, and I felt like a fool that obviously didn’t belong in this world. I glanced between the bright gold boots on Harry’s feet, no doubt worth a small fortune, back to the borrowed ones on my own feet. I had been so proud of them earlier, feeling like they made me blend in and appear worthy to be spotted with this group of people. But I didn’t belong in this scene. I was a no name hair dresser struggling to make ends meet every month, I shouldn’t even be in the same room as Harry Styles, let alone escaping from a prestigious club back to an even pricier hotel with him. This was all too much.

I liked the boots he was wearing, the bright gold colour offering a stark contrast to the all black ensemble he was wearing. It was a simple pair of jeans and t-shirt, but they had to be from some designer label too. Lou talked all the time about how Harry was obsessed with Saint Laurent clothes, as she constantly blamed him for getting her addicted to the luxury fashion house too. I envied the way he effortlessly pulled off the boots. They appeared like the kind of thing that would look ridiculous on just about everyone, but he pulled them off flawlessly. He was the perfect combination of laid back and put together. He was so out my league. In fact Harry Styles was on an entirely different planet from me.

I leaned forward in the car, resting my elbows on my knees as I squeezed my eyes shut in an attempt to silence these ridiculous thoughts. In an instant I heard Harry undo his seatbelt and slide across the seat until he was pressed up against me. One hand was on my back, the other resting on my arm in an attempt to comfort me. “This isn’t your scene at all, is it?”

I just shook my head no in response.

“Is it the large crowd that was making you anxious?”

A little part of me was surprised that he recognized my symptoms to be an anxiety attack rather than just assume I had drank far too much like I figured he would have. He was surprisingly more attentive than I thought he would be. For an international pop icon, he seemed to be pretty good at picking up subtle cues my body language unknowingly gave off.

“I’m not sure.” I answered honestly. “Just a combination of everything.”

Harry just nodded, and I felt his hand begin to rub small circles on my back. I tried to take deep breaths to soothe the anxiety that had built up inside the crowded club, but it wasn’t helping. “You’re alright. You’re alright now.” He repeated this mantra a few times as he continued to rub my back.

“Soz about this, Harry.” I mumbled, sitting up a little bit as he pulled me closer into his side. “It’s just one of those nights, I guess.”

“We all have ‘em,” he nodded. “You’re gonna be alright.”

Harry repeated these words to me a few more times in a whisper as he let me fully lean up against his chest in the backseat of the car. His deep voice, which had become rather raspy from a night of yelling over the loud music inside the club, was doing a decent job at calming me down. I wasn’t quite sure how to vocalize my gratitude and appreciation for all he had done for me this night. I finally opened my eyes again as I was breathing much easier now, but my entire body was still tense under Harry’s touch.

As much as I appreciated Harry going out of his way to make sure I was okay, I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. For the last four years I had relied on Jackson to be my confidant and the one who would make sure I made it home okay after a long night out. But now he didn’t even care enough to wish me a happy birthday or check in that I was okay. He should have noticed my apartment had been empty and unvisited by now, unless he had finally stopped coming by.

I was over him and I didn’t want to be with him anymore, but I didn’t like the idea of not having someone there to want me. He wasn’t allowed to get over me and sweep four years of our lives under the rug that quickly. He should have reached out and checked in to see how I was. He should have been worried that I nearly had a panic attack alone in a Paris nightclub. He should have been jealous that Harry Styles was taking me back to his hotel in his private car. He should have been furious that Harry was being the perfect gentleman towards me tonight despite not even knowing me.

Jackson had never been anything close to the perfect gentleman for as long as I had known him. He would have never gone above and beyond like Harry had done tonight.

I was torn between the conclusion that Harry was just being over the top because he could afford to be, or if this was the way he always was. Was this the way a man was supposed to treat you? Four years with Jackson had completely distorted my vision on what was and was not okay for a person to do to you.

“The paparazzi seem to be gone.” Harry noted out loud, as I noticed that the buildings we were now driving past seemed familiar. We must have been approaching the hotel now. “Let’s get you inside quick then before they show up. Gem said they’d all be here soon.” He briefed me as we pulled up to the hotel.

It was another blur of quick actions as we were ushered out of the car by more security guards and brought into the lobby of the hotel. There were no camera flashes, but in my disoriented state I could still make out the screams of a few teenage girls in the background, meaning there were definitely fans camped outside the hotel waiting to catch a glimpse of one of the boys. We were brought into the hotel separately, probably to not risk Harry being photographed bringing an unknown girl back to his hotel. It occurred to me that this was probably all routine for them. I felt out of my element, but this was a carefully practiced dance that they performed nearly every day. This was all old news.

Only one security guard got into the elevator with us when Harry and I were reunited once more, his hand finding it’s way to rest on my lower back once again as he watched the floor numbers increase as the elevator climbed upwards. We were all staying on the same floor, as One Direction had rented it out in its entirety.

We were quiet once more as he walked me all the way to the door of the room Gemma, Sam, and I were sharing. Lou had her own room that she was sharing with her young daughter, Lux, and her boyfriend who had stayed in to watch Lux for the night. Harry watched as I placed the key card into the door and unlocked the room with ease. “Thanks for all this, Harry.” I spoke, pausing in the doorway facing him.

“Don’t worry about it. Are you sure you’re alright?” The tone in which he spoke sounded as if he was genuinely concerned, and I couldn’t help but smile at the thought of that. It was a complete turn around from how I had been feeling not even an hour earlier.

“I’m fine, I promise.”

“Ok.” He nodded slowly, raising his hand to scratch nervously at the back of his neck. “If you need anything, please don’t hesitate to give me a shout. Or at the very least, let Jay over there know.” He jerked his thumb over his shoulder to motion to the security guard who had come up with us, and was now positioned next to the elevator. It amazed me how there seemed to be so many members of One Direction’s crew, yet Harry had taken the time to learn the names of every single one of them.

“I will, thank you.”

He let out a rather shaky breath before nodding his head. “Alright, goodnight Trix.”

“Goodnight Harry.” I replied, just before he took a small step forward to close the gap in-between us. He placed a quick kiss on my forehead before retreating back to his own hotel room before I could manage to choke out any more words.


	4. right place right time // july 15, 2014

_july 15, 2014._

“Alright, love, spill the beans, please.” Lou dramatically flopped herself down into the salon chair in front of my station at Bleach. She had probably only been back in the country for a few hours, long enough to drop her suitcases and her daughter off at her house, before she was in the salon to get her hair done. She needed her dark roots touched up to match the platinum colour of the rest of her hair, and had been texting me about the possibility of trying out some new extensions, insisting she was coming in to get this all done the instant she was back in the country. Hours before stepping foot into the brightly lit salon, now long since closed to the public, she had been relaxing on a beach in Portugal on the final day of the European One Direction tour. It amazed me how Lou could live such an over the top and lavish lifestyle while on the road, but was so down to Earth and level headed once home. “I want to know everything I’ve missed while I was gone.”

I heard Alex, my boss and Sam’s co-owner of the Bleach empire, let out a loud laugh from the back room where she was cleaning up and eaves dropping on our conversation. The salon’s regular hours had came and gone, but I had promised Lou I would stay late today just to fix her hair since she had called me repeatedly with rants about how tour always left her hair an utter disaster. I was sure Gemma would be popping by soon as well, as she usually stopped by to say hi on her way home from work if we were working late.

“You haven’t missed much.” I answered vaguely, reaching for a comb from off of the counter to begin to brush out Lou’s unruly waves.

Lou rolled her eyes, ignoring my response. “Sam!” She hollered loud enough so her twin sister could hear her from where she was working in the back room. “Trix is lyin’ to me out here!”

I continued to run the comb, rather roughly, through Lou’s hair as Sam appeared in the doorway into the backroom. Her hands were full of bottles of the pre-packaged pastel hair dye Bleach specialized in selling, which told me she was probably helping Alex fill out orders in the back room. Since the popularity of the pastel grunge salon had grown, they had begun to sell their custom colours as well as apparel and at home bleach kits on their website. It had absolutely blown up once Lou and other girls in the One Direction crew had endorsed the brand, and I knew Sam spent most of her days now trying to keep up with the massive amount of online orders that came in on a daily basis.

“What’s she doing now?” Sam asked, raising her eyebrows expectantly at her sister.

“Tellin’ me fibs about how nothing’s happened since I last saw her a month ago.” Nothing substantial had happened in my life here in London, especially not in comparison to the adventures she had probably gotten up to while travelling across Europe for the last month. “Remember when I last saw you? A month ago? In Paris? When you spent all night with Harry?”

Her series of questions were obviously directed towards me, and it was my turn to roll my eyes as her questions earned a hearty laugh from Sam.

“She keeps telling me nothing happened. Claims Britain’s most eligible bachelor, Mr. Styles, just helped her back to the hotel when she wasn’t feelin’ well and that was  _it_.” Sam answered on my behalf before I could get an excuse out. Granted, that was the exact story I was going to tell Lou, as it was the truth. “It’s her story and she’s stuck to it.”

Lou scowled at me through her reflection in the large mirror that hung above my station. “I’ve been waiting a month for a juicy story only to find out  _nothing_  happened?”

Placing the comb back onto the countertop, I just shrugged my shoulders. “Don’t know what else to tell ya, Lou.” I answered as I grabbed a bottle of hair developer, and a tub of bleach powder out of one of the drawers I had at my station. Putting on a pair of black latex gloves to protect my hands, I also grabbed a bowl to mix the bleach in, along with a brush to mix and apply with.

The morning after my birthday in Paris, Sam, Gemma, and myself had to leave early. It was a direct result of booking the trip so last minute, as the only return tickets we could get left at noon the following day. We just had enough time to say goodbye to Lou and Lux, while Gemma woke up at the crack of dawn to squeeze in a quick breakfast with her brother, before we were on our way back to England. We had missed the opportunity for a girl’s gossip debrief discussing everything that had happened the night before, usually my favourite part of a girl’s night out.

“You could tell her about how you’re still living at my bloody flat, Trix.” Sam dropped her bombshell of information, before immediately turning back around and retreating into the back room to continue filling out merchandise orders.

My week at Sam’s flat had ended up turning into nearly a month of consistently crashing on her couch and I think Sam was growing sick of it. Apparently fans had snapped photos of Harry and I arriving back to the hotel that night, despite security’s best efforts to keep us separate. They were grainy, low quality pictures that a fan had taken of us in the lobby waiting for the elevator, Harry’s hand protectively resting on my back. They didn’t look as innocent as they actually were, and there had been a few nasty press articles about me. My name was in every gossip column for a week, until Harry was photographed with an Italian supermodel in Milan not long after and I was forgotten just as quickly as I had been discovered. But Jackson had seen the pictures, and had arrived at my flat in the middle of the night to confront me on them. He threw dishes and spat hurtful names at me all night, until he passed out on the couch and I could sneak away to Sam’s for a few nights. I left out all these details of why I refused to go home, rambling off false stories about how I just wasn’t used to being alone in my flat. I knew Sam knew that Jackson was the reason I was avoiding my own house, but she had stopped pressing me for details. I was running out of excuses, and I think she was just waiting for me to come to her with the truth when I was ready.

“Because of Jackson?” Lou spoke carefully, watching me as I measured out the developer and powder and began to mix the two together.

“Yeah.” I answered shortly, avoiding looking up at Lou.

It was still a sore subject. I hated how helpless and stuck I was feeling, even after breaking up with Jackson. I had change the locks on my flat like Sam had instructed me too, but it didn’t stop him from showing up drunk and making a scene as he banged on my front door and hollered loud enough to wake all my neighbours. Every time I was forced to return to my flat alone, I waited around in an anxious panic on edge over the fact that he could show up at any moment. I contemplated moving, but I had gotten the large flat at such a bargain price for the London real estate market that I couldn’t bring myself to pass it up. I knew I would have to downgrade significantly as my monthly rent budget wouldn’t allow me the luxuries of my current flat at full market price. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been able to eat a full meal or sleep through an entire night. Sam had taken pity on me, letting me stay on her couch in an effort to stop me from withering away into nothing, but I was still so sluggish and drained.

I think what I really needed was a holiday to get away from everything.

Lou didn’t say anything as I began to apply the bleach to the dark roots of her hair, but the way that she was chewing on her bottom lip told me she had a lot she wanted to say.

“I’ve tried to tell her she needs to do something legally before Jackson does anything that could hurt her.” Sam was back, taking a seat in one of the empty salon chairs to join Lou and I’s conversation. She had obviously been listening in the back room where she was supposed to have been working.

The front door of the salon swung open, and Gemma stepped inside arms completely full. Gemma’s arrival signalled to me it must have been nearly 9 o’clock, an hour passed our usual closing time. Her arrival also bought me a few spare seconds to think up a defence for Lou and Sam’s interrogation over Jackson as conversation paused for a moment as she made her way inside.

“Fill me in.” Gemma demanded as she took up the empty chair on the other side of Lou and I so we were surrounded on both sides by her and Sam. She was straight to the point as she sat down, not even bothering to waste time with greetings or salutations.

“Trix says nothing happened with her and Harry on her birthday, and Jackson is still harassing her at her flat.” Lou summarized, earning an enthusiastic nod from Sam.

“Yeah, H said the same thing. I asked him the next morning over breakfast.” Gemma set her bag down on the floor, slung her sweater over the back of the chair she was now occupying and popped open a styrofoam takeaway container that she had been carrying. There was a plastic fork already inside as Gemma took a few bites of what smelled like orange chicken after confirming my story that nothing had happened between Harry and I. The smell of her food instantly reminding me that I hadn’t had dinner yet that day. Or lunch. Or breakfast, really. A coffee on my way to the salon hardly counted as a meal and I was now madly craving a bite of Gemma’s dinner. I would have to make a detour on my way home to pick up some of my own when I finally left Bleach today, or I was going to go mad. I couldn’t recall a time I had ever had a food craving so intense, but I guess that’s what happened when you didn’t sleep and skipped every meal.

Lou looked disappointed at Gemma’s answer, while I laughed. “I told you.” I sang, as I sectioned off a new layer of Lou’s hair to apply to bleach to.

“He asked about you the other day, though.” Lou wiggled her eyebrows suggestively at me as she spoke, but all I could do was shake my head. I wondered if this was before or after he was busy cozying up with exotic European supermodels. “Wanted to know how you were doing.”

“He just wanted to make sure I was okay because I was a right mess last time he saw me.” I reasoned out loud, but Lou seemed to ignore my comment. She reached out to grab a piece of Gemma’s chicken, but the younger girl just scowled and swatted her hand away.

“I told him you’re doing pretty well since you’re a newly single pringle.” I glared at Lou through the mirror as I painted on more bleach to her hair. “That sure seemed to peak his attention.” This was definitely before the models then. Or Lou was exaggerating. She had the tendency to do that sometimes.

“Oh, gross.” Gemma whined, dramatically placing her hands over her ears. “This is my  _baby brother_  we’re talking about here.”

I took my time replying, adding the last bit of bleach to Lou’s hair before placing the bowl onto the counter and peeling the black vinyl gloves off of my hands. “He was just being a nice guy and checking up on me.” I reiterated, slipping my phone out of the pocket of the cutoff jean shorts I was wearing in order to set a timer to let the bleach on Lou’s hair process.

“Yeah, Harry’s always been a nice guy.” Sam chimed in, a wicked grin on her face.

“A nice,  _single_ , guy who just so happens to be around your age.” Lou added.

“And also happens to be my  _brother_.” Gemma whined once more.

“Shut  _up_ , Gemma.” Sam snapped, earning an eye roll from the brunette and a loud laugh from Lou.

I ignored the trio as I carried the bowl and brush across the room to the large sink that we used to rinse customers’ hair out, and began to wash the remaining bleach out. I’m sure Alex was still eaves dropping in the back room on our conversation, and she was probably loving it. When the paparazzi photos of Harry and I had first made their way onto the Internet, a few fans had showed up at Bleach for a first hand look at Harry’s new bird. Alex had found it hilarious, although she turned them all away with a short and sweet message about how the salon was for paying customers only. Upon closing the front door she had absolutely howled with laughter. I could just picture her in the back room, hand clamped firmly over her mouth to muffle her laughter as she continued to sort through merchandise orders while she listened to the four of us chat out here.

“As much as I love teasing Trix, we’ve got more important things to be worrying about than Harry.” Sam spoke up as I took out a towel to dry the bowl and brush. “She needs to do something about Jackson!”

Gemma and Lou chorused in agreement, and without even having to turn around I could feel all their eyes on me.

“We’ve all had bad break ups before, but you need to do something  _legally_  about this if it’s still not gotten better.” Lou was the first one to speak up.

“It’s not gotten better.” Sam chimed in.

I finally turned around, hands planted firmly on my hips as I glared at the three girls. “Enough.” I ordered, earning a series of silent stares from all of them. “I’m fine. I’m a big girl and I can take care of myself, thank you very much. He’ll be over it soon, this whole thing will blow over and we can all move on. I just have to tough it out until then.”

It might mean a few more weeks without sleep, but I wasn’t too concerned about it.

“Do you realize how dumb you sound? You’re just going to wait around forever and hope that Jackson decides to grow up and leave you alone?” Gemma shook her head before popping another piece of orange chicken into her mouth. I could barely focus on her words, momentarily forgetting my frustrations as I thought about how badly I wanted some fast food of my own. At the moment the greasier and more processed the food was, the better. Although, I had noticed in the paparazzi photos of Harry and I that my face had been looking a little bit rounder than it normally did, so maybe I should skip over the takeaway food and settle for the green juice I knew I had waiting in my fridge for me at the end of the day.

“Not only is it dumb, but it’s dangerous.” Sam’s arguing brought me back to reality, shoving my dinner dilemma to the back of my mind.

“You lot make it sound like I should just leave London.” I commented, bringing the bowl and brush back to set on the counter in front of Lou. I’d need to to mix up a toner once I rinsed the bleach out so there was no use putting it away just yet. “Maybe I could take a vacation. Hide out on a beach somewhere until it’s all golden again here.” My response was laced with sarcasm, but I was slightly worried when I noticed how Lou was chewing on her bottom lip. I could practically see the gears turning in her head and I knew this was not going to end well. As much as I would have loved to actually relocate to a tropical paradise, I knew my bank account begged to differ.

“You could vacation with me.” Lou’s response was short and to the point, as if this was the most obvious solution in the world. “Stick it out for a couple more weeks in London-“

“- crashing on my couch.” Sam cut in with a perfectly timed eye roll.

“- and if by the end of the month it hasn’t gotten better you can come on tour with me and the lads. We’re going to be in America for a few months. An opportunity for you to get away  _and_  help me out.”

“No.” I stated firmly.

“Better you assisting me out on the road than those bratty work experience girls. They’re always just trying to hook up with the lads on the road and never actually get any work done. It’d be way better if I had someone with me I trusted and actually  _liked_.”

I repeated my “No.” again, shaking my head in protest for added emphasis.

“That sounds like a fair deal to me.” Gemma threw in her two cents, everyone clearly choosing to ignore my protests.

“If you’re so confident that Jackson isn’t a worry, then why are you reluctant to agree?” Lou perked a perfectly manicured eyebrow at me, waiting for my response to her challenge.

“She did say if it’s all better in a couple weeks you can stay here. If not Alex and I will gladly give you the time off to go on tour with Lou.” Sam had the same wicked grin on her face as she spoke as Lou did. This must have been a Teasdale trait.

“And you’ll be paid as my assistant, of course.”

Clearly no one was listening to me.

“ _Fine_.” I agreed, although very reluctantly. My response was final, earning a satisfied silence from the trio. I would put up a bigger fight at a later date, when this topic of conversation was sure to be brought up again, but for now I would agree so the argument could be dropped. The quicker this was over, the quicker I could leave the salon and head home to drink my organic, vegan, gluten free, flavour less, awful green juice while looking at photos of a proper Chinese takeaway on my laptop.


	5. make this feel like home // july 31, 2014

_july 31, 2014._

I ended up crying a lot more than I thought I would when I said goodbye to Sam in the middle of the departures terminal at Heathrow airport. She had dropped me off for my flight so we could get one last breakfast and coffee together before I’d have to somehow survive without her for nearly three months.

She had quickly become my other half during the rather short few years we had known each other. I don’t think we had ever gone more than a few days without seeing each other, and now I was leaving home and flying across the world with a group of people I barely knew. As we embraced in the middle of the terminal, only a few feet away from the rather long security check-in line, I sobbed into her shoulder about how I didn’t want to go.

I’m sure I looked a lot like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum before the first day of school. But I was oddly comforted when Sam cried nearly as much as I did as she squeezed me back, repeating over and over again that this was the best thing for me to be doing right now. As she repeated the words over and over to me, I knew she was saying them to try and comfort her own emotions in addition to convincing me this was actually the best thing for me to do. I didn’t want to leave the comfort of London. I especially didn’t want to leave Sam, my personal safety blanket for the last few years.

Leaving probably was the best thing for me, because things with Jackson had not gotten any better.

I had told Lou, Sam, and Gemma that night we stayed far too late at Bleach that if in a few weeks Jackson was still harassing me I’d take legal action to protect myself, or just up and leave London for a bit with Lou. I had more made the empty promises in an attempt to please them all so the topic of conversation could be dropped and I wouldn’t have to listen to their nagging any longer. Gemma had gone with me the following weekend to file the beginnings of a restraining order, but apparently they took a lot of time and paperwork to be put into action. They were not the instantaneous solution that movies and books had led me to believe they were. So last night I was forced to dig out my passport from the back of the miscellaneous kitchen drawer where I had put it and start packing a suitcase because I was going on One Direction’s North American tour.

The only other time I had left the UK was to go to Spain when I was rather young, but I recall crying and feeling sick the entire brief flight there and back, so an 8 hour flight to Canada seemed a bit like a death sentence.

The night before, all of Lou and I’s friends and family had gotten together for a little farewell dinner and Lou briefed me on all of the big responsibilities I’d have on this tour. She insisted that all of the crew, and even the boys, that I had met in Paris were ecstatic that I would be joining them, and that there was no reason to be nervous. The lads were all easygoing and tour had never actually felt like  _work_  for her. Tour was going to be a breeze were her exact words, if I could recall correctly.

I appreciated her encouragement, but I also knew I was nowhere near as free spirited or easygoing as Lou was so there was no way I would adjust to this lifestyle as well or even just as quickly as she had.

Sam repeated a lot of the same things her twin sister had told me that morning over breakfast, but as she dropped me off at the airport, Lou and the rest of her crew already waiting for me on the other side of security in a private lounge reserved exclusively for tour and band crew members, her confidence in the idea was beginning to crack. She knew I was going to be homesick, and I felt as though she was going to be just as lonely without me back in London with her every day. I had tried to convince her to come with us on tour, but she was far more important to Bleach than I was and she was actually needed back at the salon. They were preparing for the grand opening of a new location inside the TopShop store on Oxford Street in the heart of London, a key event that required the owner of the franchise to actually be in the country. I was just a lowbrow hair stylist who’s clients would barely even recognize that I was away.

I was full on having a sob when I gave Sam her final hug goodbye and lugged all of my bags to the security checkpoint. I cried through most of my wait in line, and had finally managed to reduce my emotions to red, puffy eyes and a serious case of the sniffles by the time I made it through the other side. I was typing out a text to Sam letting her know I had made it through and that I already missed her tremendously when a thick, Northern English accent called my name out.

The terminal I was in was relatively empty, but every set of eyes was on me as a rather large security guard approached me. I froze in place, iPhone still clutched firmly in my hands as I stared with wide eyes at the man approaching me. It took me a few moments to recognize him as Preston, the security guard who had taken care of my drink orders during our night out in Paris to celebrate my birthday.

“Trixie, yeah?” He repeated, this time much quieter as he had finally reached me.

I just nodded my head slowly, unsure of what else exactly to do.

“You alright, love?”

I’m sure I looked like an absolute mess, obvious signs that I had just had a rather good cry on my face. “I’m alright now, thanks.” I offered.Vague answers seemed to be my specialty lately.

He nodded shortly, adjusting the laminated lanyard that hung around his neck. It had the One Direction logo on it, as well as a small picture of his face and some fine print below it. It then occurred to me that he had probably recognized me from the nearly identical lanyard that hung around my neck. Lou had called me at the last minute to remind me to wear the lanyard she had given to me last night, as it was basically my key to being let into the lounge, or anywhere near the band and crew. She claimed I wouldn’t need it for long, just until all of security became familiar with my face.

I’m sure Preston was going to remember me as the girl who was always a blubbering mess.

“I was sent to come get ya. We’re gettin’ ready to board soon.”

I had arrived at the airport with Sam with plenty of time before my flight was supposed to leave, but apparently our tearful goodbye had taken up quite a bit more time than either of us had thought if they were now preparing to board.

“Right, of course.” I mumbled as I followed his large figure down a series of velvet roped corridors and locked doors until we reached a nearly empty airport lounge. It looked like what I pictured a typical first class lounge would look like, but the fact that there were no more than 20 people, large security guards excluded, led me to believe that the crew had reserved the entire area. The crew in charge of lights, sound and the building of the actual stage had been flown out a few days before to start getting venues ready. This was apparently a normal thing, as they would always be travelling a few days ahead of us so cities would be ready for the boys to perform as soon as we arrived. Flying out of London today was just the boys, their band, Lou, myself, and the boys’ personal stylists. I’m sure there were many other people who worked behind the scenes to make One Direction function, but it appeared as though they liked to keep their entourage rather minimal when travelling. I assumed the larger the group, the more attention they would attract, and the harder it would be to escape from fans and paparazzi.

I thanked Preston for coming to fetch me, and sheepishly made my way over to where Lou was seated on a couch, next to a fast asleep Lux.

If Lux, at nearly three years old, was so nonchalant about flying that she could be sleeping right before the plane was set to take off, I could definitely handle this. I was twenty-two years old. I was a god damn adult.

I flopped down next to Lou, dropping my backpack and carry on suitcase in a heaping mess of a pile at my feet. I had probably overpacked for this tour, but I wasn’t sure how many different occasions I’d need outfits for so I had packed for every single possible scenario. The bright salmon coloured backpack that now rested at my seat was crammed full of books, my journal, and my laptop, all items I deemed a necessity for keeping me calm on this long haul of a flight.

“You look rather excited, babes.” She joked as she looked up from the phone she had just been typing on. Dry sarcasm was definitely a trait that ran in the Teasdale family.

I gave her a weak smile, which I’m sure must have been really convincing as I could feel that my cheeks were still tight with dried tears stained across them. “Just a little nervous about the flight.” I muttered out, using the sleeve of my grey pullover sweater to wipe furiously at my cheeks.

I’m sure there were a million and one motherly things Lou wanted to say to me in that moment as she frowned at me, but instead she just nodded her head and reached into the purse that was resting on the couch next to her. Pulling out a boarding pass, she handed it to me along with a rather professional looking piece of paper. “Here’s your ticket for the flight, and that-“ She nodded towards the piece of paper. “-is the itinerary for the day. They hand out daily schedules to keep us all in the loop and on track.”

I let my eyes skim over the page as I thanked her. At the top of the page it read Toronto, Canada, a helpful tidbit for keeping track of what city we were going to be in. I figured that would become very useful when you were waking up in a brand new city practically every day. Since today was strictly a travel day and the first show wasn’t until tomorrow, the itinerary simply had the flight and hotel check-in accounted for. We’d be arriving in Toronto in the evening local time according to this schedule, so I figured nothing more exciting than grabbing dinner before retiring to the hotel for the night would be taking place. Management probably wanted the boys to rest up and Lou’s boyfriend wasn’t going to be coming out to join us on tour until later on so she was going to be on full mum duty with Lux.

Using the back of my sleeve I made one last attempt to rub away any evidence of my pre-flight cry with Sam as Lou went back to typing away on her phone. I took out my own phone, opening the front facing camera in order to assess my appearance. I wanted to at least make myself look a little bit presentable for my first impression with the crew.

Lou had offered me more than a few pieces of wisdom to prepare me for life on the road, her number one tip being to get my hair done right before leaving because bleach sessions and root touchups were not nearly as glamorous on the road as they were back home at the salon. Alex and I had taken care of that the day before, leaving my hair in a naturally wavy state to be as low maintenance for the flight as possible. Low maintenance was also a top tip from Lou. Keep travel outfits casual, something you wouldn’t mind being stuck sitting in for hours on end. I had picked comfort over fashion today, settling for jean cut off shorts and a plain grey pullover sweater, a pair of black Ray Ban sunglasses hung loosely from the collar of the sweater. Lou’s outfit mirrored my own, so I figured I was on the right track.

She also warned me to be careful of social media. Once I was officially linked with the band and crew, fans were sure to start flocking to any accounts I had, usually in search of fresh dirt on any of the boys in the band. Therefore, anything you weren’t completely comfortable with the entire world knowing needed to be kept off social media. Apparently management would also most likely be sitting down to talk with me about what is and is not appropriate for sharing. Currently my Instagram feed was nothing more than a few crap selfies, and my Twitter and Facebook accounts had been deleted awhile ago in an attempt to fully rid Jackson from my life. I just couldn’t part with my Instagram account, though, as I was far too addicted to the app to actually delete it. I had changed my account settings to private, however, and had received a few hundred follow requests after Lou had tweeted about me earlier that morning.

I was already feeling overwhelmed by the world I was about to enter into.

“Are we sitting together on this flight?” I asked Lou as I slipped my phone back into my pocket. It took her a few seconds to answer, and I instantly knew it was a no. Lou was just brain storming the nicest ways to break the news to me that I would be travelling across the Atlantic Ocean, completely leaving everything I once knew as a comfort zone, and I wasn’t even going to have someone I knew with me while I did it.

“We’ve got almost the entire first class section of the plane booked out, so we’ll all be together.” She spoke slowly, obviously being careful with her word choice. “They’ve got us all in pairs, so I’m with Lux.”

“Oh, yeah. Of course.” I guess that was only fair. Lux needed her mum with her on the flight more than I needed Lou.

“I think we’re the row just ahead of ya, so I’m right there if you need anything.”

All I did was nod my head, as I noticed the people around us begin to gather their stuff up to prepare for boarding. “I’m sure I’ll be fine, Lou.”

“We put you with Harry, so at least you’ll have someone with you that you’ve met before.”

That was at least a little bit comforting knowing I wasn’t completely alone, but I still didn’t really  _know_ Harry. I had only met him once, but I guess it was more than I had interacted with anyone else in the group. Although, I was about to sit next to him for upwards of 8 straight hours, so I guess I was about to get to know him.

“He usually sleeps during most flights, so the knobhead shouldn’t be too annoying.” Lou absentmindedly gestured over her right shoulder to where I assumed Harry must have been as Lux finally began to stir from her slumber. “You sure you’re going to be alright, love?”

Lou’s gaze was now fixed firmly on me, her eyebrows raised expectantly as she awaited my answer. I took the time to fully take in my surroundings, glancing in the direction Lou had just motioned in to notice Harry and his bandmate Liam seated on a nearly identical couch to the one Lou, Lux, and I were currently on. The two boys were talking rather animatedly, and when Harry noticed me staring over in his direction he waved, earning a wave from Liam as well when he noticed where Harry was looking.

“Yeah. I think I’ll survive, Lou.”

*******

Harry had his headphones on, sunk down low in his partially reclined seat and his eyes firmly closed. I’m sure we couldn’t have been that far into our flight, but he was so used to this jet setting life that he appeared to be fast asleep. Falling asleep and taking any rest wherever you could get it had to be a talent quickly picked up by any jet setting pop star. I knew when we’d land there’d be a huge timezone difference, I just didn’t know when it was. If I didn’t sleep now, would I get an opportunity to rest when we landed? Or would we be arriving and getting thrust immediately into work?

The thought of time zones and travel was making my head pound, and the dry recycled air of the plane cabin wasn’t doing me any favours.

I shut the cover of the book in my lap, and tossed it onto the tray table that was down in front of me. My mind was far too cloudy to focus on the words printed across the worn pages. Perhaps I could watch a movie instead, so I reached down to grab my own headphones out of my backpack that I had shoved into the storage compartment under the seat in front of me. Slipping them on and plugging them in, I began to scroll through the personal television screen that every seat had, hoping a movie title would jump out at me.

When we had boarded the plane, Harry had politely said hello to me and we made small talk during the safety briefing and take off. He seemed to be a naturally polite person, and part of me was convinced he kept the conversation going for so long because he could tell how nervous I was. At the first lull in conversation, however, he slipped his headphones on and shut his eyes. I wasn’t offended by his actions, as I’m sure I would have done the exact same thing if every nerve in my body wasn’t on edge at that exact moment.

Out brief conversation hadn’t been particularly groundbreaking, just quick sentiments of ‘how have you been’ and ‘hope you’re excited for tour’ were exchanged before he was snoring softly. Now I needed to find something to do to preoccupy myself for the next few hours. Harry had the aisle seat, so getting up to go find Lou who was seated a couple rows in front of us would require waking or climbing over Harry, neither of which I wanted to do.

I still felt so out of place, especially in the first class section of a transatlantic flight. This was a foreign world, and I still couldn’t quite wrap my head around how I had managed to land myself in this position. Sure, I had known Lou and Sam for quite some time, but everything about Lou’s job was always so separate from our friendship. Besides stories she occasionally told about funny antics backstage, or the occasional photo shared from her in a far away country, we never talked about One Direction. They were all just stories about things that happened to a friend of a friend to me. They were real people, but they just weren’t real to me. Now I was seated next to one of them for the next 8 hours.

I felt a bit like an imposter. Like, I should have been richer, or more talented, or even a bigger fan of the band in order for me to be allowed to be here. I had seen them perform once, on my birthday, and had enjoyed whenever I heard one of their songs come on the radio, but I had hardly classified myself as a fan.

Continuing to scroll through the selection of available in-flight movies, I paused for a moment when a familiar face appeared on the screen. One Direction not only had a movie out, but apparently it was available for me to watch. The movie poster on my screen featured a large image of Harry and the rest of the boys, his hair much shorter than the untamed curls he currently had which told me this movie must have been a few years old. I contemplated selecting it, if only to provide me a little bit of background knowledge about this band I was now fully employed by, but how weird would it be if Harry woke up to find me literally watching a movie  _about him_.

“Don’t waste your time watching that film. Heard they’re just a bunch of talentless wankers. Can’t even sing.”

Too late.

I could feel my face burning up and surely turning every shade of red known to mankind in the colour wheel as Harry’s low chuckle of a laugh met my ears. I was far too scared to look over at him, so I just turned off the television screen and fixed my gaze on my hands that were now neatly folded together in my lap.

“Sorry, that’s probably weird for you.” I mumbled, picking at a chip in the nail polish on one of my fingernails. Desperate to look anywhere but at Harry, the state of my manicure had never been more interesting to me as I studied it intensely. “Just thought about it for a second to see if it would give me a bit of a preview of what tour life is all about.”

I could see Harry stretching out of the corner of my eye, still refusing to fully look over at him out of embarrassment. His headphones now resting loosely around his neck I heard him try and muffle a yawn with his hand before speaking up. “Nah, don’t worry about it. I’m just teasing you.”

I nodded my head to signal I had heard what he said.

“You seem nervous.” He observed. I could literally feel his stare burning into the side of my face as I mentally cursed Lou for placing me in this position a million times over.

I shrugged my shoulders, desperate to try and give off any sort of vibe other than the desperate and distressed persona I always seemed to be embodying whenever I had been around Harry. “Guess I just don’t know what to expect.” My admission was honest and he seemed to acknowledge this as he nodded his head along with me.

“It’s going to be a great time, I promise.” This was far from the first time I had heard these words from someone in an attempt to was my nerves. It was as if nobody understood that uprooting your entire life was going to make you nervous and a simple comment about how everything would be  _fine_  never made  _me_  feel even remotely close to  _fine_. Maybe Harry picked up on this as well as he fully removed the headphones from around his neck and tossed them rather carelessly onto of the carryon leather bag that was at his feet under the seat in front of him. “I can understand some nerves, but I hope they’re excited nerves. We’re all a family on these tours and we all look out for one another.”

“Yeah, that’s what Lou kept telling me.”

“Teasdale’s onto something then. We’d never hire or have someone out on tour with us who had anything other than the best intentions. We don’t get much of a chance to see any of our actual families so you become pretty close to everyone you’re out on the road with. You’d be surprised how quickly airplanes start to feel like a home away from home.”

“I hate flying.”

The words were out of my mouth like verbal vomit before I even had a chance to register them. Harry’s laugh was loud and genuine as I looked over at him for the first time since he had awoken from his brief nap, momentarily forgetting about all of my flying and pre-tour nerves as he ran a hand rather roughly through his already disheveled curly hair.

“I guess this whole thing is just a little overwhelming. But in a good way, I guess.” I tried again, an attempt to backtrack and make myself seem a little bit less like a spoiled brat. The key to any sort of success in this industry was being nice and I was doing a pretty shit job of that so far. When choosing stylists and makeup artists for call backs and rebooking teams, lead artists were always more likely to call back the assistants who left positive impressions on them. I just had to break out of my shell and get back to my usual self and I’m sure it’d make this whole experience flow smoothly. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and surely the peek of my career, and the last thing I wanted was for anyone to think I was ungrateful or taking this for granted.

“I can imagine.” Harry nodded again, shifting slightly in his seat so he was facing me a bit more. I hesitated for a second before adjusting myself to mirror his position. “So if you’re so nervous about this gig then why’d you take it?”

“Uh-“ My mouth hung open for a second as I tried to form a coherent sentence or two. So much for all of that. Harry already thought I was ungrateful for this. Off to a great start already, Trix.

“That came out a bit rude, didn’t it?” Harry had quite the dimple in his left cheek when he smiled and it was currently all my simple minded brain could focus on as he chuckled lightly. “Genuinely just curious about it.”

I had to look back down at my hands that were still resting in my lap in order to bring myself back down to reality and focus on the question Harry was posing. How would I even begin to explain what had led me to this spot? He claimed he was curious, but I doubt he cared to listen to my sob story about Jacks. I chewed a bit too hard on my bottom lip as I contemplated a response for Harry. I wasn’t going to lie to him, I just didn’t think he really needed to know the whole truth. “I guess I’m just at a crossroads in my personal life, so Lou insisted I take a break from all that and come out with her to help out. She needed the extra set of hands and I needed a brief change of scenery before I went mad.”

It was brief and edited, but it seemed to do the job as Harry was nodding his head rather too enthusiastically as I looked back up at him.

“Yeah, Lou had mentioned you had just broken up with someone.” This kid was straight to the point.

“Of  _course_  she did.” I groaned.

“Were you together long?”

“I guess so.” It would be unfair to say Jacks and I were together for 4 years, because that often gave off the impression that we were happily in love for that entire time period. We were just kids and now that I was far enough removed from the whole situation, I could easily recognize that it was far from a fairytale or anything that anyone should be jealous of or even mourn the loss of. It was a thing that happened, and now it was over. That was that.

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“You really shouldn’t be. It’s all positives now.”

Harry’s dimples were back in full force as he smiled over at me, nodding his head slightly to signal his agreement. “All positives. I like that.” I could practically see Harry making a mental note of my new mantra. I’m sure he’d be tweeting it, or some cryptic variant of my wording, out to his millions of Twitter followers and they’d eat it up. The thought brought me a little bit of satisfaction to know that I would be the source of the 140 character message that was sure to drive all of these fans around the world wild.

I was nervous we were going to be stuck in an uncomfortable silence now as I had no idea how to reply to his comment, nodding my head quietly in response to him. Surely we were now going to sit here for hours in silence as Harry thought about how completely daft I was.

I noticed Harry glancing around the plane, surely a bit uncomfortable as a result of just how poorly I was doing in this social situation. I was never this awkward or anxious around people before, Sam often teasing me that I was the Queen of nonsensical small talk, but everything I could think about saying to Harry just seemed stupid. He was too posh and too important to have to deal with my immature anecdotes.

“This is weird for me.” Harry noted, instantly causing my stomach to churn in embarrassment.

“What is?” I inquired, slightly dreading his answer. He surely couldn’t have meant flying was weird. They were jet setting pop stars, constantly flying around the world. He must have meant sitting next to a total stranger that was verging on creepy fan girl who couldn’t hold a decent conversation. I had almost watched his band’s bloody movie while sitting right next to him. Good fucking job, mate. Now he was completely creeped out and was surely going to request to never have to sit next to the help on a flight ever again.

“I usually just sleep the entire flight, so it’s weird for me to be this awake right now.” Harry laughed. I wondered if he had picked up on my 10 second freak out.

Sam had also mentioned on more than one occasion that I may have also been the Queen of overreacting and jumping to conclusions. That was definitely coming out right now.

I nodded my head, trying to compose myself for what felt like the millionth time in the brief time we had been on this place. “I’ve just never flown before so all of this is weird.”

“What?” His eyes were wide in disbelief at my response.

“Once when I was real young, but it was just a brief trip to Spain.” I shook my head at the terrible memory of the former vacation. “Cried the entire time too.”

“This really is a change for you then.”

“Yeah, a bit.”

Harry chuckled a bit as I focused all of my attention on my hands folded neatly in my lap, suddenly afraid to look up and risk making eye contact. “I guess that explains all the nerves.”

“Yeah, soz I’m always such a mess whenever we meet.”

This is the closest the two of us had come to acknowledging my birthday celebrations in Paris. My panic attack in a crowded club where Harry selflessly came to my rescue was suddenly the elephant in the room. If it hadn’t already, every part of my body language screamed uncomfortable. I suddenly wished I hadn’t refused one of the cheap airline blankets the flight attendant had come around offering right before takeoff, as I instead sat completely exposed to Harry. There was absolutely nothing between us for me to hide behind, but his demeanour stayed soft and welcoming as his impossibly deep dimples made another appearance accompanied by a rather large smile.

“You’re hardly a mess, Trix.” He was laughing a bit, but for some reason his words seemed rather genuine rather than mocking or condescending. “But I can tell you an embarrassing story about one of my first flights with all the boys if that’ll make you feel a bit more comfortable.”

I don’t think I could ever be  _comfortable_  around Harry Styles, but I nodded my head in agreement anyways. No one could ever be comfortable around a human being that was this attractive. Or nice. Yeah, it was definitely just his personality not his looks that I was referencing. I couldn’t be focusing on his looks, I had to keep it professional. Even if there wasn’t a single person on Earth that wouldn’t swoon over this boys dark curly locks.

I completely lost my train of thought as I watched him run a hand through said curly locks, shaking them out and flipping all his hair to one side.

“I was just trying to make myself feel a little bit more at home, you know?” He hadn’t even gotten into the story yet and his smile was already the biggest I had ever seen, clearly running through the story in his mind first before speaking. “Probably one of the first long haul flights we ever took and I decided to just take all my clothes off. I think we can all agree it’s the best way to sleep.”

“Not in public, though.”

Harry just shrugged at my response. I couldn’t comprehend how he could always be so cool. Even retelling a story that anyone else would find embarrassing, Harry was calm, cool, and collected. He was always so confident in himself, but in the most effortless way possible.

“Even got up to use the toilet in nothing but the airline blanket.”

I covered my face with my hands to hide my giggles as I heard Harry let out a good laugh next to me. I couldn’t help but blush a bit as I felt my mind begin to wander to the mental image of Harry completely naked on an airplane. But I had to get rid of those thoughts immediately. He was now technically my boss as I was working under contract from One Direction. Not to mention he was also Gemma’s baby brother. There had to be some sort of golden rule about not thinking about one of your closest friends’ siblings naked.

“Everyone on the plane seemed to be asleep. Quickly learned from security that’s still not exactly proper plane etiquette.”

“Noted. Glad I can learn from your mistakes, Harry.”

Harry leaned forward, reaching for his carry on bag that rested at his feet, tucked away neatly under the seat in front of us. “I’m just here to help, Trix.” I watched him unzip the bag and pull out a fluffy blanket from the leather suitcase. It was one of those lush blankets you’d see on someone’s Pinterest board, photographed in some posh home library or draped over the back of an all white sofa that no one actually had in real life.

Of course Harry Styles had one, though.

“Honestly, the best way to make it through all these flights is to just sleep through them. It’ll help the nerves.” He held one half of the blanket out to me as he let the rest drape over his lap. “Try getting some sleep.”

I accepted the blanket, leaning back into my seat to try and get as comfortable as these cramped quarters would allow me to. I mumbled out a small thank you to Harry as he mirrored my position.

“I promise you’ll feel a hundred times better when we land if you get a little nap in at least.”

I nodded my head in agreement as I let my eyes fall shut. The magnitude of how tired I was was now hitting me. This day had been a roller coaster of emotions and my body was calling for a timeout.

“I’m just looking out for you, love.” I heard Harry’s sleepy words whisper just before I drifted off into the first peaceful sleep I had had in weeks.


	6. the beginning // august 1, 2014

august 1, 2014

“Is every night this hectic, or are we all just getting the nerves out for the first show?”

I let myself collapse backwards onto one of the large leather couches in the dressing room as I watched Lou brush a matte finishing powder onto Harry’s nose. He was the last member to come through for hair and makeup before taking the stage, the other four rowdy One Direction boys had come and gone, wandering off into one of the multitude of backstage rooms reserved for us in Toronto’s Rogers Centre.

I had never been part of a production this large, and was completely thrown for a loop when we arrived at the baseball stadium at the sheer volume of people involved backstage to make this tour happen. Wardrobe, hair & makeup, catering, security, and the opening band all had their own rather large designated rooms. They would filter in and out as they pleased, coming to Lou and I to fix them up just before taking the stage. I hadn’t realized that I had yet to sit down since arriving at the venue that morning until I had finished styling Niall’s hair and he bounded off down the hallway shouting something about having to finish a footy match Louis had started in another room.

Everyone was high energy, zipping around backstage in a rush to complete their respective jobs. It was a bit like a circus, watching how this band operated. Everyone had their own set job and when completed seamlessly the whole act came together.

Harry was the last one to come visit Lou and I because he had been on the phone with Gemma, grilling her about a date she had just gotten home from. Even from across the pond he was stepping into the role of protective brother. He whined to Lou and I, voicing his displeasure that Gemma had told us about the date before telling him. Based on Harry and Lou’s incredibly tight bond, I assumed he was usually the last one to come through and spent the remainder of his downtime before the show chatting with his hair dresser confidant.

Lux was curled up on the couch next to me, eyes glued to a cartoon playing on an iPad. She seemed entirely unfazed by the chaos unfolding around her, way too focused on what I assumed was a rerun episode of Peppa Pig.

Myself, on the other hand, I was completely wiped out.

“Every night is this hectic, love.” Lou answered back with a laugh, glancing over at my collapsed body as Harry took a break to tussle his own hair into the style he preferred.

“Plus this is far from the first show.” Harry chimed in.

Of course. This was Trixie’s first show, but this was old news for everybody else. This tour was already halfway to completion and I was late to the party.

Realizing that this world didn’t revolve around me was going to be an adjustment.

“You get used to it, though. Makes home seem rather dull and boring without all this chaos.” Lou was back to trying to powder Harry’s nose as he continued to swat her hand away.

“I’m sure once the jet lag subsides I’ll be back on my game.”

It was nearing show time and Preston was sure to bound into the room to collect Harry for his call to stage any moment now. Other than that I had absolutely no concept of what time it was here or even back in England. Although Harry mentioning chatting to Gemma after a date led me to believe it was way passed my bedtime back home in London.

“I think I live in a permanent state of jet lag.” Harry spun around in the chair in front of the vanity Lou and I worked at. “Might just register One Direction as its own timezone at this point because we never get to stay anywhere long enough to really adjust.”

“You’re all doing an awful job of selling this tour to me.” I groaned dramatically.

Lou let out a hearty laugh as she dismissed Harry and began to tidy up the mess that had been left in the wake of all of the One Direction and 5 Seconds of Summer boys. No two members used the same hair products, each desperate for a style that they could brand as their own. Lou had ran me through what everyone liked, all of them tending to stick to a bit of a routine.

But Harry was the outlier.

Every night he was feeling something different. Sometimes he’d braid his hair, sometimes he’d let her put product in it to bring out the intensity of his natural curls, and on some nights, like tonight, he insisted on doing his own thing entirely. Tonight’s look screamed Keith Richards, with Harry dressed in a sheer black button up, and a bandana tied in his hair to hold back his wild curls. I could see all of his tattoos through the shirt and it took quite the effort to force my tired eyes away from his chest before he noticed I was staring.

“You can’t possibly be hating this already, we haven’t even started yet!” Harry seemed distraught, eyes wide as he gawked at me.

Without even having to look at her I could just feel Lou rolling her eyes. “Trix is just being dramatic.”

“I’m not dramatic.” I crossed my arms defiantly in front of my chest, but I could practically feel my nose growing three sizes bigger over that fib.

“I like the theatrics.” Harry’s eyes were wicked with a sparkle at his simple comment. I was unsure if he was referring to me or the theatrics of making this tour a reality. But suddenly my entire body was acutely aware that his eyes were still glued to me. God, did this boy ever have a power over everyone else in the room.

He was humble and yet still just his presence in a room demanded all eyes on him. He was a showstopper.

Lou paused her cleaning to lean up against the edge of the vanity for a moment. “I’m sure in a couple days you’ll be feeling alright again, you’ll be healthy and loving every minute of this.”

I could just tell by Lou’s tone when she spoke she was in mother mode. That was probably the biggest difference between Lou and Sam. Sam was a little more laid back, but Lou was always watching out for everyone. Her words were more of a statement of fact than a suggestion. I knew she was trying to psych me up about this tour, offering a bit of motivation about moving on from Jacks and making the most of this opportunity. I knew this because it’s all Lou would yap about this morning while I tried to sleep in. She was still on the same kick, but she just wasn’t name dropping my ex-boyfriend in front of Harry.

I wasn’t that concerned with this cold. I’m sure that tomorrow morning it would fully break and I’d be a right mess, sneezing and sniffling all over everything. Right now my body just ached and I was constantly tired. It wasn’t ideal, but I knew I could survive and keep working.

“You’re still ill?” The way Harry scrunched his nose up in confusion brought on an irresistible urge to smile, so I focused my attention on my iPhone that I had left laying in my lap when I sat down. A few messages from Sam wishing me luck on my first show greeted me on the lock screen, as well as a few notifications for new voicemails from Jacks. I’m sure they were just drunken rants when he finally figured out my apartment had been nearly entirely emptied out of my clothes and belongings.

When I failed to respond Lou jumped in for me. “Everyone gets sick on their first tour, Harry.” Her tone was strict, coming quick to my defence. “Jet lag mixed with all the recycled airplane air is a recipe for disaster.”

I was far too wrapped up in the notifications on my phone to respond, the sight of Jackson’s name on my phone an instant distraction for me. I had never felt like this about Jackson before. I guess you were supposed to get a feeling of sadness or longing when your ex-boyfriend reached out to you, but today was more of just an annoyance. Travelling across the ocean couldn’t even put enough space between us to give me some breathing room.

My patience was wearing thin with all of this. My life back in London was filled with daily harassment, and the constant dread of having to risk an interaction with Jacks. Combined with Sam and Gemma watching over my every move as if I wasn’t capable of handling myself. I loved them dearly, but I just wanted space. I was going to be okay on my own.

Granted, their hovering was exactly what had taken me away from London and the life that I loved so much.

As much as I was thankful for this experience and was going to make the most of absolutely every second, I was also a homebody at the end of the day. I liked my routine. I liked my flat and my short commute to Bleach every day. And now I didn’t have that because Jacks wouldn’t let me.

My life recently felt like I was treading water in a storm and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep my head above water.

Jackson was the hurricane.

I found it interesting that the thing you once loved, that meant the entire world to you, could so quickly become the same thing that made your life a living hell.

“On a serious note, orange juice helps, Trix.” Harry saying my name brought me back down to Earth, clicking the lock screen on my phone after I typed out a quick text to Sam. I promised I’d call her tomorrow when we figured out a time that worked for both Canada and England. I deleted the voicemail notifications.

Maybe I’d listen to them later.

Maybe I’d just let my inbox fill up until there was no more room for him to leave a message.

“Orange juice?” I repeated in an attempt to make it seem as though I had actually been paying attention to the conversation at hand.

Harry nodded his head to confirm, “with all the vitamin C, you know?”

I remember my mum saying the same thing to me all the time when I was growing up. I’m sure Harry’s mum had insisted the same thing.

“I’ll pop over to catering when you’re all on stage and see if I can find some.”

“Absolutely not!” I was caught off guard by how violently Harry began to shake his head no. “You need the freshly squeezed stuff, not the sugary processed shit they’ll have there.”

As soon as the word was out of his mouth, Lou’s hand made firm contact with the back of Harry’s head. “Watch the language, knobhead.”

“Soz, Lou.” Harry mumbled, rubbing at the back of his head. We all glanced over at Lux briefly, but she wasn’t really paying attention to any of us with Peppa Pig still playing on the iPad. “I’ll put some on the rider for tomorrow’s show for ya.”

“You really don’t have to do that, Harry.” I offered. I’m sure there was plenty of juice in catering already, or even just a grocery store near the venue. There was no need to make such a fuss over fresh juice just for me.

“It’s fine, Trix.” Harry waved me off, just as Preston appeared in the doorway.

“Showtime Haz, let’s go.”

Harry jumped out of his chair, ruffling Lux’ hair as he passed the toddler on his way out. “Bye girls, thanks for everything.” He called over his shoulder as he followed Preston towards the stage.

As soon as his curls had disappeared out of sight, Lou turned towards the vanity to begin the cleanup process. With the exception of a few essential items that we would use for touchups throughout the show, she began to pack up the rest of the mess that had been left on the vanity in the wake of getting all of the boys ready.

Each 1D member had their own clear plastic case for all of their unique products, neatly labelled with their names. Lou had this whole crazy circus act down to a fine routine by now and it was fascinating to watch her. Back at Bleach, I only ever had to focus on one client at a time, most customers coming in with similar requests for platinum hair and pastel colours.

“Mummy, I’m all done.” Lux announced, putting the iPad down as the episode she had been watching ended.

“I just need to pack up and then we can go get some dinner, alright?” Lux nodded at Lou and then handed me the iPad to put away into her small backpack full of toys she brought with her backstage. She was probably the most well behaved toddler for this crazy situation, but I guess this backstage rockstar life was all she had ever known.

Placing Lux’ backpack down on the couch next to her, I stood up to help Lou clean up. Lux grabbed the bag and began to clean up her own mess, placing stuffed animals that she had with her on the couch into the bag as well.

“That boys taken quite the liking to you already.”

I couldn’t see Lux’ face, but just by her tone of voice I knew she had a wicked smirk. I grabbed the clear plastic makeup bag with Niall’s name scribbled onto it and began to zip it up as Lou placed the last few bottles into Harry’s bag.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Lou.”

“Don’t play coy, Trixie.”

“We were sat next to each other on the plane, so he just happens to be the guy I’ve gotten to know the most so far on this tour. I’m sure I’ll be close with all of them soon.”

“But do you fancy him?” Lou zipped up the last bag, placing it back down onto the countertop. “It’s alright if you do, love.”

I gave her the most stern look I could muster, trying to ignore the Cheshire cat grin sprayed across her face. “I’m just hear to work, Lou. That’s it.”

“That didn’t answer the question.” She walked away from the vanity to pick Lux up from the couch. With her backpack on, the three of us were going to head down the hall to catering to grab dinner while the boys took the stage. “I mean, I’m sure if he likes you I’ll find out fast. That boy can’t keep a secret to save his life.”

I rolled my eyes to brush off Lou’s comments. Harry was attractive, and from the limited interactions I had had with him, he was nothing but a sweetheart. He was also probably one of this most fit guys I had ever laid my eyes on, but he was an international pop star. Practically every girl on Earth fancied Harry Styles, so of course there was a bit of a crush there.

But for Lou to insinuate that something was going on was just mad. In reality we barely knew each other and had only spent a couple days together. He had such a warm personality, I’m sure that he was this friendly and welcoming with everyone he met on these tours.

There was no need to fuss over Harry and I. There was also no need for me to start overthinking. I had enough on my plate already. I wouldn’t even think of dating another guy until Jackson was finally out of my life, and I didn’t see that becoming a reality anytime soon.

Harry and I were becoming friends.

Just friends.

“All I’m saying is don’t forget who invited you out on this tour when you’re sending out the wedding invites, babes.” Lou winked.


	7. headed straight for your heart // august 2, 2014

august 2, 2014.

With my back resting against the headboard, I pulled my knees up into a bent position to find a more comfortable writing position without having to actually get up out of bed. Still unsure of what time it was here in Toronto, my body knew it was approaching mid-afternoon back in England and refused to sleep any longer, allowing me a few moments of peace and quiet to catch up on my journal writing.

Lux was up bright and early, as I imagine most toddlers are, which meant I had also been woken up bright and early. Lou was nice enough to take Lux downstairs to the hotel restaurant for breakfast so I could go back to sleep and catch a few more hours of rest. 20 minutes of tossing and turning later and I had finally decided I was up and awake for the day. Under normal circumstances this wouldn’t have been such a bad thing as I was usually an early riser, but these days my body was just always tired. No matter how much rest I tried to get I just always felt exhausted. I imagined this was what jet lag did to you, though.

My first night on the tour, and the first official show of the North American leg of the tour, was over and most of the crew had gone out for celebratory drinks after the show. But as soon as Lou and I had finished cleaning up the hair and makeup mess the One Direction lads left behind, I was aching for a bed and was passed out just as quickly as Lux when we returned to the hotel.

Lou’s boyfriend had made arrangements to come out and join us for a bit on tour, offering a bit of a built in babysitter if needed. It also meant I’d be getting my own room as Tom would be taking my place and I didn’t want to cramp their family time. For the time being I was rooming with Lou and Lux, but in a few days I’d be getting a hotel room all to myself. I didn’t mind the three of us sharing a room, it was nice to have a familiar face and a best friend with me at all times. I’m sure Sam was going to be jealous by the end of the tour that I liked her twin sister better than her.

Or maybe not, as I already missed Sam terribly. She was my best friend and my boss all rolled into one, meaning we were together nearly constantly. In fact I already missed all of the gang back at Bleach.

I finished scribbling down my small entry summarizing my first day and show of the Where We Are tour and closed the rather worn out notebook. The pages were nearly full and I would probably need to pick up a new one before this tour was over. I had to journal about absolutely everything and this tour was no exception.

Lou and Lux would be back from breakfast relatively soon and I knew they’d want to get out and do something for the day so I placed my journal back onto the bedside table. I switched on the TV to pass a bit of time while I waited, grabbing my phone off of the table where I had left it overnight. After receiving one too many nasty texts from Jackson last night I had made the executive decision to block his phone number. My phone was now a lot quieter without his practically constant messages, but I think this was a step in the right direction.

Last night I had fallen asleep texting Gemma all about her first date. As happy as I was for her, it was a little upsetting to know that I could very well be the only single girl in our small friend group now that Gemma had had a promising date. After being with Jacks for so long I had never faced this problem before. I had been with him the entire time I had known those three girls. I had seen all of them go through different break ups, and I guess it was finally my turn. It felt foreign to me, and I almost missed my relationship just for the sake of having a relationship. Now it almost felt like people eyed me skeptically when they talked about their own partners, as if I was going to burst into tears at any moment. As if hearing someone say the word boyfriend was going to remind me that I didn’t have one and send me into an emotional downward spiral. Gemma had even apologized if it seemed like she was bragging. It was almost like I had become the charity case of the group. I was going to be okay, though. They were just a bit over protective.

I aimlessly scrolled through the notifications that had amassed overnight. They were mostly just emails and social media notifications that I had no real interest in looking into, but Sam’s name stood out on the screen.

As if she could sense I was thinking about her from across the ocean, she had sent a quick message about calling me soon. I typed back a quick reply that we’d find a time that worked for both our timezones soon before locking my phone once more.

Hearing Lou slide her room key into the hotel door I tossed the phone onto the night stand just as Lux came bounding into the room at full speed.

“Trix, wake up!” She hollered as she struggled to climb up onto the bed I was still sitting on. “Swim, swim, swim!” Lux was practically squealing as she bounced around on the bed.

“We’re going to the pool today, Trix.” Lou appeared into the room, carrying a styrofoam take away container that she placed onto my bed before scooping up the rowdy toddler into her arms. “Here’s some breakfast for ya, but I think a bit of sun would be good too.”

“There’s a pool here?” I questioned. This hotel was in the heart of the downtown of the city, built as a massive high-rise building. I couldn’t imagine where they could have hidden a pool.

“16th floor.” Lou was digging through her suitcase, Lux still resting on her hip as she answered. “Apparently there’s an outdoor patio on their rooftop, complete with a pool. Waitress told us about it at breakfast.”

I opened the takeout container to find an assortment of fresh fruits and a breakfast sandwich, picking out a piece of cantaloupe and popping it into my mouth as I listened to Lou. “You know I love any opportunity to soak up some sun.”

Lou triumphantly pulled out a crumple of bright pink fabric from the mess that was now her suitcase. We were leaving tonight after the show and driving on a tour bus overnight to New Jersey for the next show, so Lou had insisted on packing up all of her things to be ready to go so she wouldn’t have to worry about it tonight. It was efficient and I knew she was right that there was no way I would want to do all of this tonight after a show, but it also felt a little overwhelming to just live out of a suitcase. Maybe on one of the longer stays I’d unpack a bit of stuff just to help myself settle in.

I knew this tour required constant travel, but right now everything was just feeling too temporary. I needed a little bit of a solid foundation to help me keep up.

“You’ve got 15 minutes to finish your breakfast and get a bikini on. Once this munchkin is changed and covered in sunblock we’re heading out.” Lux continued her chant of ‘swim’ as Lou carried her off to the bathroom with swim suits and sunscreen clutched in her free hand.

I took a few bites out of the breakfast Lou had brought back for me before getting up and digging out a swimsuit from my own suitcase. Not bothering to pick a set that matched, I grabbed the first top and bottom I could find before quickly changing. I pulled on a pair of ripped denim shorts over the neon orange bikini bottoms, and a grey tank top that was far too big for me just to cover up my strapless black bikini top for our walk to and from the pool.

Everything I had heard my entire life about Canadian weather was being proved to be untrue. The weather app on my phone told me it was nearly 30 degrees outside, and the sun was shining through the windows of the hotel room. There didn’t seem to be a single cloud in the sky; the perfect recipe for a day by the pool.

I was dressed and ready to go far before Lou and Lux, so I took my time finishing off my breakfast as I listened to Lux sing in excitement about finally getting to swim.

Moments like this were okay. Some sun and fresh air would help clear my foggy head. If I tried hard enough I could trick myself into thinking this was just a holiday with some of my mates, and I think I could get used to that.

*******

Wherever One Direction travelled, they brought an entire army of security guards with them. Each member had their own personalized bodyguard, and then a rotating roster of other security members who would watch exits, elevators, and escort crew members around. This hotel had provided their own security to watch the elevators on the entire floor the crew had booked for the two nights we were staying in Toronto, but as we arrived on the penthouse level of the hotel we were greeted by two more large bodyguards in front of the door leading out onto the pool deck. I took this to mean some of the boys had already beat us to the pool, and was thankful that Lou had remembered to bring her security clearance pass with her. I was still a newbie and needed to remember to have my pass with me at all times so I didn’t get into any trouble.

Located on the rooftop of the hotel, the pool had a large deck with about a dozen lounge chairs scattered around. Niall was already laying out on a pool chair, his pale Irish skin doing its best to try and soak up a little colour from the sun. I took up the chair next to him, kicking my flip flops off as I laid down.

“Morning Trix, how are ya, love?” It was still rather early in the morning and I was surprised by how cheery he seemed considering I was fairly certain he had been part of the group to go out celebrating the night before. Maybe he was lounging by the pool to nurse a budding hangover.

“Couldn’t be better now that I’m finally in the sun.” I wiggled out of my shorts and tank top in an effort to expose as much skin to the sun as possible. It was also pretty warm without any shade. “And how are you this morning?”

“Still a little drunk if I’m honest.” Niall had such a loud laugh it was impossible not to smile when you heard it.

Last night I had been the one to do Niall’s hair before and during the show so it gave us a bit of time to get to know each other. It had been our first official meeting, but he had such a warm personality I felt as though we were already mates, even if we had only learned each other’s names 24 hours before. He had been at my birthday in Paris, but those introductions were so brief and I’m sure he met so many new people on a daily basis because of the band that he didn’t have much memory of me. To most people on this tour I was still labelled as ‘Harry’s sister’s mate.’

“Big night last night?”

“One for the books, love.” He sat up a bit in his chair to reach for a bottle of water that was resting on the ground in between us. His skin was already turning a slight shade of pink which told me he had been out here for awhile. “I’m just trying to sweat the rest of the alcohol out of me system.”

“Sounds like I missed a good time then.”

“There will be plenty of other nights for you to catch up, don’t worry.”

As much as I didn’t enjoy going out in large crowds all the time and avoided drinking, I knew I needed to join the crew on at least one night out. It would be a waste of a vacation not to get myself out of my shell. I was here for a change of scenery, and that meant a change of Trix too. I was going to be more open and I was going to try more things.

I was also going to try not to take everything so seriously.

The boys were all on this tour to have fun, and I was going to as well.

“You can sign me up for the next one, I promise.”

“That’s the spirit, Trix.” Niall relaxed back into his chair, watching as Lou helped Lux slip some pool floaties onto her arms and climb into the water. “Harry was right about you.”

I didn’t even know what he was talking about, but the mention of Harry talking about me immediately made my stomach tense up. “Right about what?”

“That you’re the best one yet out of all of Lou’s assistants.” I pulled the pair of aviator sunglasses that were resting on my head down to cover my eyes to try and distract from how much I’m sure I was blushing. “Thought he was biased because you’re mates with Gemma, but none of her other girls ever wanted to go out with us. You seem like you’re down for some fun and a little banter.”

I wasn’t sure if this was Niall exaggerating a comment from Harry, or if he had actually complimented me, but I suddenly had a lump growing in my throat. Thinking about Harry and Niall having this conversation made me so anxious I could barely squeak out a ‘thank you’.

I needed to get a hold of myself. Since when was I so interested in what this kid had to say about me?

“No problem, Trix. I’m sure you’ll fit right in on this tour.”

Not willing to risk trying to get any more words out, I just nodded in response to Niall.

Before I met Lou and everyone involved with One Direction I had never met a celebrity before. I remember my mum always buying tabloid magazines and watching gossip news shows on the telly all throughout my childhood so I knew from a young age just how fascinating Hollywood was. It felt so foreign to be involved in this world, and to think that I was sitting by a pool next to an international pop star.

It felt even more surreal to hear this pop star tell me he had been talking about me with his other famous friends. My stomach was an instant mess of anxious butterflies.

Lux and Lou were just splashing around in the shallow end of the pool, the small blonde toddler squealing in delight as her mum danced around with her.

As much as I loved the feeling of the sun on my skin, a pretty healthy dedication to St Tropez self tanners had already provided me a nice dark glow, so I left my things on the chair next to Niall and relocated to the edge of the pool deck. Just as I let my feet dangle into the cool water near where Lou was, a mess of dark brown curls came through the entryway out onto the pool deck.

“Harry!” Lux cheered as she doggy paddled to the edge of the pool to greet him. He waved to the toddler before tossing his white t-shirt onto the chair next to where I had just been.

“Watch out, Lux.” He hollered before taking a running jump into the pool, splashing water all over Lou, Lux, and myself. I had never seen Lux laugh as hard as she did as Harry broke the surface of the water and swam over to where she was floating with Lou.

It was an adorable moment, watching as Harry took Lux from Lou and swam with her around the shallow end of the pool. Lou took the moment of free time to lift herself out of the pool and take a seat on the edge next to me.

In a moment like this it was easy to forget we were all working here. This felt exactly like the holiday I had always daydreamed of taking and I was so lucky to be in this position. It was a bit surreal to think that in a few hours we’d be preparing for another sold out arena show. I momentarily thought about pinching myself as I watched Harry toss Lux into the air and catch her before dunking the both of them under the warm water. But if this was all a dream I wasn’t quite ready to wake up just yet.

“Thanks, Lou.” I didn’t know how else to express how grateful I was for getting me out of London and giving me space from my shitty relationship. I didn’t specify what I was thanking her for, but the way she smiled over at me told me she already knew. It must have been a mother’s intuition or something.

“Oh, stop it.” She brushed me off, turning to look over at me only briefly. “You know we’d all do anything for ya.”

I was thankful for her being firm in her fight to get me away from Jackson. I was thankful for her offer of getting me out of England. And I was thankful for her making me feel so at home on this tour already. A simple thanks didn’t seem adequate, but I was at a loss for what else to say or do.

It was a bit surreal to think these were multimillionaire pop stars lounging around this pool. They all seemed so relaxed and it was easy to forget that the intricate circus act that was the Where We Are Tour was going to kick off again in a few hours and they’d be back in business mode. In an area impossible for paparazzi to get to, they all seemed to have their guards down. Right now Niall and Harry were just normal 20 year old kids soaking up some sun.

“I should probably get going and grab some lunch before Lux becomes a cranky toddler.” I had left my phone behind in our room so I wasn’t sure what time it was or how long exactly we had been here. The sun had shifted quite a bit in the sky, offering a few more areas of shade on the private pool deck which told me we had been out there for quite a while. “You taggin’ along or doing your own thing?”

I glanced around the pool to where Niall was still sprawled out in a lounge chair and then back to the crystal clear water my feet were soaking in. “I’m not sure, Lou.” I wasn’t particularly hungry and I was enjoying this beautiful weather so I wasn’t sure I was ready to go back inside and leave the sunshine just yet.

Harry waded up to where Lou and I were seated, Lux sitting on his hip as he carried her. “Someone heard the word lunch.” He laughed as he handed Lux back to her mum.

“You coming for lunch?” Lou’s question was directed at Harry this time who shook his head.

“Nah, I just got here. Might trade places with Niall and take a nap if I’m honest.”

“What are we planning?” Niall chimed in, sitting up in his chair.

“Lunch. You going to the pub, hun?”

“Is water wet?” Lou and I both let out a generous laugh at Niall’s response while Harry simply rolled his eyes. There was a fake Irish pub just down the street from the hotel that Niall had noticed last night and was dying to try. Leave it to this kid to go to another country and the first restaurant he visits is a gimmicky ripoff of the same pubs he would visit constantly at home. “You lasses want to come?”

“No thanks, love. Just going to stick with room service today.” Lou hoisted herself up, reaching for one of the towels we brought down from off an empty chair to wrap up Lux.

“Trix?” Niall was looking at me expectantly, but I wasn’t sure. “Fancy a pint and a pie for lunch today?”

“I’ll come.” Lou looked just as surprised by my response as I was. I had gotten out of London for a reason. To get away from Jackson and make a positive change in my life. If I just lived my life as usual I wasn’t really making a change or taking advantage of this opportunity. So I was going to step out of my shell. Maybe no pint, but I was going to go out without Lou.

“Sorted then!” Niall practically jumped out of his chair, gathering up the few belongings he had brought down with him. “I’m going to go shower up, and I’ve got a meeting with Caroline to try on a couple outfits for the show tonight, but I’ll be at your room in 30 to pick ya up for lunch.”

With Lux wrapped up in a fluffy white towel, and resting on her hip Lou smiled warmly at me. “And I’ll see you after lunch. Always just a text away if ya need me babes.”

“Cheers, Lou.” I waved her off as the three of them headed towards the exit. Harry hoisted himself out of the pool to sit on the ledge next to me. It was just the two of us, and Harry’s personal bodyguard waiting by the door, left at the pool.

“The pub with Niall before a show?” He asked, a hint of a chuckle in his voice. “That’s a brave choice.”

“Why’s that?” Every nerve in my body suddenly on edge that I had made the wrong decision. I knew how close Harry and Lou were so I think that’s why I valued his opinion so much.

“Just don’t want you too drunk that you can’t work tonight.”

He laughed as I squeaked out a quick “Oh.”

“You wouldn’t be the first one.”

“It’s okay.” I shrugged off the worry, “I don’t drink so it’ll just be food. I mean, someone’s got to stay sober enough to make sure Niall makes it back in time for tonight.”

Harry’s laugh was loud and contagious. It made me stomach flutter to think that I was the source of that infectious laughter. The media portrayed him as serious all the time, but I knew the real Harry was full of jokes and good laughs. He had a whole arsenal of terrible jokes that had begun to rub off on Gemma as she occasionally made us all listen to one. Both Gemma and Harry had very obviously warm and inviting personalities, something I was incredibly thankful for. Gemma had helped me feel at home with everyone at Bleach, and Harry was helping to make me feel at home here on tour.

“Ah, that’s right. You don’t drink.” I was surprised Harry remembered a detail so insignificant to him. He had brought me a water at my birthday in Paris when I was having a panic attack. I felt my cheeks heat up as I thought of how embarrassing it was that he had to take care of me that night and that he still remembered it.

“Not a fan.” I shrugged off, as I lifted myself from my seated position by the edge of the pool.

“Does this mean you don’t go out ever?” Harry asked as he followed me back to the lounge chairs.

I took a seat on the chair where I had left my shorts and shirt when we arrived to the pool. Grabbing a clean towel I shrugged my shoulders as I dried off my feet. “I’m always up for a cheeky night out or two.” I may not have been a fan of crowds or alcohol, but I loved making memories with my friends. That sometimes meant putting myself out of my comfort zone for a night out with my mates. My entire life seemed like a series of contradictions. “I just save a lot of money on cabs ‘cause I can drive myself back home at the end of the night.” I reasoned.

Harry sat down in the chair Niall had previously occupied next to me, laying out flat to let the sun dry off his swim trunks. “I’ll keep that in mind next time I need a drink.”

“That I’m always up to go out?” The last, and only time, Harry and I had been at a club together it ended with him ushering me out of a private entrance and rubbing my back while I tried not to sob the entire way back to the hotel. Not exactly a night out for the books I’d want to reenact anytime soon.

“No, that you can drive me home.”

Niall had left an empty water bottle discarded on the ground between the two chairs and I took this opportunity to toss the bottle at Harry. “I’m not a babysitter.”

Harry made no effort to dodge the bottle as it hit him in the chest, merely laughing out loud instead. “Hey now! I’ve taken care of you on a night out before! It’s time to return the favour, love.”

I faltered, unable to come up with a witty response. I had been thinking about how Harry had had to take care of me, but it made the situation all too real when he vocalized how he was thinking about it too. “Fine.” I huffed, folding my towel up as I was done drying off.

“I hope you know I’m just joking, Trix.”

His tone of voice was completely different and I could feel him staring at me intensely as I focused all of my attention on folding the towel. Instead, I just nodded my head in agreement. “Of course, Harry.”

Without a phone to tell the time, I wasn’t sure how much time had passed since Lou, Lux, and Niall had left the pool. I’m sure it hadn’t been that long, but I figured I should probably be heading up to my room to freshen up a bit before Niall stopped by to pick me up. Nothing major, but my hair needed a bit of a wash and I didn’t want to wear a swimsuit out to lunch so I’d need to change into a proper outfit for the day.

“I should probably head out now though.” I told Harry, hanging the folded towel off the back of the chair.

“I haven’t scared you off, have I?” Harry looked genuinely concerned as he watched me swing my feet over the edge of the chair and stuff them back into my sandals.

“No, of course not.” I answered honestly. “I just need to get changed for lunch.”

“Changed?” He scrunched up his nose as he spoke. “You’re dressing up for Niall?”

“No, not quite.” I rolled my eyes as I shook my head no. “Just figured I’d need to be a bit more covered up than this so I should go put on some proper clothes.”

“Is this a date?” I could have sworn his eyes lingered for a moment on the florescent fabric of my bikini. I was suddenly hyperaware of just how much skin I had showing and quickly reached for my shorts to put back on.

He had a wicked grin on his face, telling me he was just trying to push my buttons right now. “Absolutely not. Don’t worry, babe.” I tried to keep my voice steady as I spoke, hiding just how nervous I had suddenly become.

There was a bit of a pause between us as I reached to grab the rest of the clothes that I had worn over my swimsuit on my way to the pool. I stood up from the chair, taking my sunglasses off for a second and tossing them onto the chair I had just been sitting on.

“I think you’re my favourite of Lou’s assistants so far.” Harry was fully reclined in the lounge chair, squinting against the sun as he looked up at me.

“Thanks!” I chirped. “I’ll be sure to add that to my CV - Harry Styles’ favourite hair assistant.”

It was like an instant eruption of butterflies fluttering in my stomach as he let out a hearty laugh. I wasn’t sure what brought on the compliment, but I’m sure I was blushing furiously. I was trying to keep my composure, fumbling with the buttons on my shorts to get them undone so I could slip them back on. I had never had a problem with my body or ever been too self-conscious, but I felt a sudden need to cover myself up as Harry watched me. His stares were probably innocent - looking at me because that’s the polite thing to do when you’re having a conversation with someone, but I was on the verge of a nervous wreck right now.

“It’s quite the achievement.” He had a cheeky grin on his face as he spoke. “One of the highest ranks you can get on tour.”

“And what’s my next promotion?” I stepped into the shorts, pulling them up and doing up the button in one quick motion. I once again felt Harry’s eyes following my hands. I think he thought he was being subtle.

When he looked back up at my face and noticed that I was staring directly at him his cheeks went a tinge pink. He was embarrassed I caught him staring, but rather than acknowledge it he gave me his best cheesy grin instead. “Harry Styles’ best mate.” Came his quick response.

I took this moment to slip my shirt back over my head. “Quite the title.”

“Even comes with a nice laminated certificate.” He reached for the black Wayfarers he had brought with him, slipping them over his eyes as if I suddenly wasn’t going to know he was staring at me now. It was a feeble attempt at a coverup and I just shook my head.

I grabbed my own sunglasses and put them on before I answered. “Does Lou have one of those?”

“She does.” His smile was huge, surely the exact grin that girls around the world went wild for. He was charming, he was down to Earth, he was sweet, and best of all he was just the perfect amount of cheeky. “Don’t tell her I’ve offered you the position though or she might get upset.”

“Do I get that if I pick you up pissed from a club?”

“Automatic promotion.”

“I’ll think about it.” I reached for the towel I had hung off the back of the chair and grabbed it to bring back up to my room as I prepared to leave.

However I wasn’t quite prepared for the next thing to come out of Harry’s mouth, clutching the towel to my chest like some sort of safety blanket.

“I like the thought of you thinking about me.”

I’m sure I looked a bit like a deer caught in a pair of headlights as I froze in place. Surely he was just taking the piss out of me, but I couldn’t stop the blush from creeping up my neck and turning my entire face a ridiculous shade of red.

This was all part of Harry’s charm. I had heard my fair share of stories about him from Gemma, Lou, and Sam. He was nothing like the womanizer the magazines made him out to be, but he was still cheeky. He loved a good joke, and he’d sometimes get flirty just to egg you on. He was polite and well mannered. But Harry Styles also had this undeniable charm about him. He was the perfect combination of mysterious and boisterous. It was why millions of girls around the world were in head over heels for Harry Styles.

I mean, his wildly curly hair helped too.

As he laid backwards in the lounge chair, stretching his arms out above his head to let out a small yawn, I couldn’t help but think I might be one of those million girls too.

“Cheeky boy,” I chastised, shaking my head as I finally got feeling back in my body. I needed to get out of this conversation as soon as possible and take a minute to get my head back on right. “have a good nap.”

“Bye Trix!” He called after me as I began the short walk back to the set of glass double doors leading back inside to the hotel elevators. It was a rather abrupt exit, but I was thankful to walk away as I finally let out the long breath I hadn’t been aware I was holding.

I needed to get my head out of the clouds and my feet back on the ground quickly. As much as this felt like a vacation the reality was I was here to work and I didn’t have time to turn into some giggly schoolgirl mess over one of the members of One Direction.

It had been a cheeky British boy who got me all flustered and nervous whenever I was around him that was the reason I was on this tour in the first place. I had gotten too carried away and let him flip my whole world upside down. Now I didn’t feel safe in my flat alone in London and I wasn’t sure if I’d ever really get to go home again.

I could practically feel Harry’s eyes burning into me as I walked away. I didn’t have to look back over my shoulder to know he was staring at me, mainly because I could see his reflection in the glass doors of the hotel. They revealed that he had sat up in his chair, sunglasses pushed up on his head, watching me walk away. It was quite the temporary ego boost having one of the most wanted boys in the world looking at you.

But the reality was that as nice of a boy as Harry Styles was, he was still a boy and they looked at anyone.


End file.
